How to be successful at work

Reading Gen 24 and a simple thought hit me: When Abraham called to his servant, the man in charge, and had him take an oath to find his son Isaac a wife, the servant didn’t feel entitled. Abraham put more responsibility on this man in charge of his household who was also his oldest servant. He called the servant in and gave him specific instructions on how he wanted the task of finding Isaac’s wife. He made him promise that he’d get the job done. Other than the servant asking a couple of questions, the servant didn’t complain about the job. The servant did what Abraham told him, put his hand under the thigh of his master and swore to follow Abraham’s “INSTRUCTIONS” (Gen 24:9 NLT).

A lot of times our employers may give us tasks that we don’t understand why we have to do them. We don’t understand why there is a particular way to processing the task. So what do we do? We fight, we grumble, we speak negatively about it, we began searching for another job. Abraham’s servant didn’t do any of these things. He listened to the instructions AND then asked a question. He actually proposed another possible solution and when Abraham said no to it, the servant didn’t get bent out of shape. Hmmmm, interesting thought time. The servant took the rejection of his idea and knew it wasn’t rejection of HIM as a person.

As I allow my spiritual mind to wander, I bet that the servant still felt a sense of pride, value or worth. Isaac was the son that Abraham and Sarah prayed for. The son that they waited YEARS after YEARS for as Abraham was 100 years old when his son was born. So, Isaac was a precious gift. I’d like to imagine that Isaac and Sarah’s faces would light up when Isaac would come into the room. That NOTHING was too good for their son. That the joy he brought them was unexplainable. So this servant knew this was a HUGE task that his master was asking him. The servant also knew when to ask a question and other options as a solution and then when to keep quiet and accept the assignment. Wow, accept the assignment? An assignment with specific instructions? Could we do this? I mean, we all like to add our own spin on things. You can tell me what you want and then let me figure out how to do it. The other interesting thing is that servant was the MOST tenured servant and he still didn’t feel that sense of entitlement; he did what he was told and followed instructions.

The next step was when Abraham’s servant went on the journey to find Isaac’s wife, he PRAYED for success. In Gen 24:12 it says “O LORD, God of my master, Abraham,” he prayed. “Please give me success today, and show unfailing love to my master, Abraham.

The servant prayed for success in his job. He knew that if left to his own, he may not be able to fulfill the requirements of the job. But he took the time BEFORE starting the task to PRAY to God for SUCCESS.  Not complain. Not talk bad about the employer BUT to pray for success.

How many of us pray for success each day before our day starts at work? Do we take that time to say “Lord please give me success today and show unfailing love.”? Or do we pray “Lord, please don’t let anybody at this job work my nerves today.”? Do we pray for the promotion BEFORE we’ve done the work? Or do we realize that with every promotion comes an increase in duties?

The third step that the servant took was to pray for a specific sign. In Gen 24:14 he says: This is my request. I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’—let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.”

The servant had good intentions as his reason for this specific sign was to know that if this sign was met, it would mean that God has shown unfailing love to his master. He didn’t pray for the demise of his master. He prayed that God would send a woman who was giving. I’d like to say, it appears that he took the task personal and prayed as if he was searching for his OWN son. Because we all know, nobody prays for your own (be that kids, spouse, jobs, etc) as greatly as you do.

The other thing I liked about this chapter was that in v16 it mentions that Rebekah was very beautiful and old enough to be married but she was still a virgin. I like this because it’s a reminder that even though the solution to your job assignment isn’t what you pictured, it doesn’t mean that it’s not what God has designed to be the solution for you. Also, on a personal note, even though that man/woman of your dreams doesn’t fit all of YOUR requirements on your checklist, he/she does on God’s.

Next it says that servant watched her in silence, wondering if God had given him success in his mission (v21, NLT). How many of us have watched, SILENTLY, to see if we’ve had success at work. This speaks to my heart because the servant had a task where he obviously hadn’t done this before, so he didn’t quite know what success looked like. And instead of him looking at other servants and defining it, he watched silently, wondering if this is what God has given him. He allowed God to define what “SUCCESS” was. He didn’t look around at the other graduating members of his college to define it. He didn’t allow mainstream to define it. He didn’t even rely on his own definition.

The other thing about this verse (V21, NLT) that stuck to me was the part that says “wondering whether or not the LORD had GIVEN him success in his mission.” Interesting. Why would God give him success? Isn’t success something that you should have to earn? Not if it’s something that you’ve prayed to God for. And especially not if you’ve prayed AND done your part. If you’ve recognized that some things are out of your control and you’ve prayed to God and asked for success, God will give you that. You’ve done all that you needed to do on this journey. God is asking us to surrender our need for control and oru need to define everything so it fits our life. He’s calling and asking us to give it ALL to him. Once we do that, God will give us the desires of our heart – success, love, happiness, peace, joy, etc.

The story goes on to say that the servant found out that Rebekah’s family was Abraham’s family and in verse 27, he praises the Lord. He took the time to thank God right then and there for giving him the success he prayed for. A lot of us miss this praise part. We’ve prayed for a job and when we get it, we’re upset about the way a policy is written so we complain to God about the blessing he gave us that we prayed so hard for.

Then the servant meets with Rebekah’s family and explains his reason for his journey. Rebekah’s family offers him a place to stay and food. And he tells them “I don’t want to eat until I have told you why I have come” (v33 NLT). He then shares his testimony with them. And at the end, he gives Rebekah and her family a choice. He asks “will you or won’t you show unfailing love and faithfulness to my master? Please tell me yes or no, and I’ll know what to do next” (v49, NLT). He didn’t assume, he allowed them to make the choice. Once they told him yes, he praised God again.

A lot of good lessons in this story that apply today. If we are to be good employees, we must learn to accept the mission without complaints or hesitation. We have to pray each day that God will give us success at work that day. Then we have to pray and be specific with God on what goals we need to see come to life or what signs we need to see that we’re on the right path. We need to pray over our jobs and treat it as if it were our own company. We also need to be open…God’s solution may not LOOK like ours, but it will still be the best solution. Then we need to be silent to know that God has given us success. To enjoy the success we’ve been given. Then once God has shown us what success is and that He’s given it to us, we need to PRAISE HIM and give a testimony.

Some random thoughts of a Single Parent

Overwhelmed....

I'm completely stretched to capacity and realizing that this feeling I feel is one of being overwhelmed. When did this happen? I've always been high energy and the type of person who needs a few hours of sleep. But now I sit here and realize that time is slipping away. I realize that I'm tired. I'm drained.

Am I managing my time or allowing time to manage me?

I feel like once I get off work, I'm on the go. I have to take my son to practice, come back home, check homework, listen to him read and then somewhere along there find a way to cook dinner AND clean a house while making sure he gets in the tub, has picked out his clothes, brushed his teeth, say his prayers and actually gets his narrow behind in that bed. I look up and guess what time it is? 10:00 pm.

It's funny to me b/c when people describe me, they say I'm strong. I want to yell "NOOOOOOOOO, I'm just as weak as the next person. I don't want to be strong. There is no rest for the strong. I just want a break." 

Sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I'm sick and tired of trying to save everything. I just want to cuddle up and be held. Just be appreciated for Tiara. Not mom, not friend, not employee, not cousin, not sister. Just me. And as I sit here and type this blog, I've realized that I forgot to call my cousin who wanted to talk to me. *Long sigh*

I was talking to a friend today...and we realized that we needed to work out and get back in shape. Well as we're trying to work out a schedule, I'm like "well, I can't do that time. Nope can't do that time. Well, can't do that time. No, that one won't work either." I want the workouts because I want to get my body back to where I feel it should be. But if I have to cut something to work out, say cooking dinner, that means I have to buy something to eat. And what that means, is increased calories and decreased funds in a checking account. Which if I'm working out to lose weight, then why am I eating out when I know that the typical restaurant carries more calories than Duggars have children....

I've always said the thing I've missed about being married was companionship and the "tag team" parenting. If your spouse sees you need a break, they come take the kids and give you a break. You don't just need a break on the weekends, you need that break on Tues evening at 7:14 after a super long day at work.

I don't feel like I ever have enough time. When I look up, the year is almost over.

Sometimes, it's super hard being a single parent. This little person needs you to provide everything. And what if, what if, you just don't make the right decisions? What if you need a break, take it and that's the ONE time your child needs you? And funny, as I'm writing this, listening to Pandora, Tupac's "Dear Mama" comes on.......*big smile*

It's hard to raise a little boy as a woman. And I don't have the same situation that most women have. My ex husband is stationed in the service and if he could be here to spend more time with his son, he would be. So I don't blame him but I do wonder how I can do this? How can I show this young boy how to be a man while his dad is gone to fight a war? How do I relate to this little boy? How do I talk to him about "manly" things that I obviously have no clue about? More so than TALK, how can I show him? How do I instill in him that a man is a provider and protector? How do I make him believe that he's to be courageous and take risks while maintaining balance to be able to be loving to those around him?

Alot of you have no idea. I don't have a partner to turn to and be like "Am I making the wrong decision? Am being typical me and over-analyzing this situation?" "Can I take this job that may cause me to work later hours but secure more money for our family? Who will watch him and care for him while I'm at work?" "Can I go back to get my master's? Will I miss something important to him? And is my master's really worth time with my son?" The main question is "Is _____________________ worth me losing time with my son?"

But I get up everyday to do the best I can do. I get up and pray to God that He'll direct my path with my son. All I can do is pray that God be that stand in father while my son's father is out of the country serving in our military. Just ask God to comfort my son in the times that he feels he's not a priority and tell him that he is the ONLY person that matters and I'd give my life to give him a better life. (And yes, I'm sitting here crying.) Just let God tell him that I did as best as I could. And tell him I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with his father and I, but we gave him two homes that could love him and showed him that we could still be friends and civil and coparent together to make sure he's a great person. Tell him that I'm sorry that he wants his mama to be married and have more kids, that I'm sorry I haven't found "The One" to give him that family. Tell him that our family is just as good as those books that show the mom and dad in the same house. Tell him that the love that I have for him is enough and that I'm his biggest cheerleader.

I guess as a single parent, at some point you have to have enough sense to let go and let God. Look at God and just bring it to him and tell him that you've done what He's asked and that He protect this child, His child. At some point, you have to stop worrying. None of us grew up in the perfect home. And yet, we still have productive, good people in this world. And that, along with God's promises gives me hope.

Tired

So here I am. Wondering. Waiting. Growing. Stagnant. Bored. Desiring more but falling short. I'm tired.

I'm a planner and guess what? This isn't what I planned. How did I fall short of all the expectations I gave myself?

I'm tired. Not sleepy tired but just "you take the wheel and run the show b/c I wanna tap out." I want to sit out and say "I'm done." What is the point of trying and trying yet never moving forward the way you imagined?

I hold myself to these standards and expectations. I put goals in my life and then I see life go in the opposite direction. WHAT is the point? How about I live a miniscule life?

Or better yet, why do I do the fair and right thing? Why? Who else is doing it? Who else is doing it and being prosperous? If life isn't fair, why do I have to be?

All these and fifty million more questions flow thru my mind. I'm just at that point. That point where I can encourage myself to move on or I can just sit here. Who motivates the motivator? Who encourages the one who brings encouragement? I feel tired. I feel empty and I feel like no matter what I do, I won't get where I want to be.

As the tears start to flow, I can't stop typing so for this very moment I'll use this blog as my journal.

My son and I ate dinner today and I looked across and saw a happy couple with teenage kids. And I immediately felt sad. Where is my partner in life? I admit, I wasn't planning that I'd never have that. I have just thought if I do the right things and be myself that someone will appreciate it. I always say "I'm difficult, I'm complicated and I over analyze but I'm loveable." Maybe I'm not. Maybe as desired as I was, maybe I'm not the desired one anyone. Could be. I work with what I'm given. But how do you work with it if there isn't the selection? The first time I wanted to cry is when I saw that couple and that moment flashed before my eyes that said "you won't ever have that with anyone." Whew. That's scary. But then again, it's a reality. I'm the "homegirl" and I'm perfectly fine with that role...most of the time. I don't want a man that'll sleep with any and everyone and do foul things and then come home to me. I want someone genuine and real and loving and faithful. But then I'm told my expectations are too high. I don't know on this one and quite frankly, I'm tired of even discussing it. I make the effort as best I can but maybe I'm not there b/c of my past. I'll work on it but why is that no one can see my potential when I always see the potential in others?

And then there is the job.....Damn, I wanted a career. I did what was right. I went to college. Started working for a name brand company. Ethical decisions. I did what was right. Tried to move around to make myself marketable. Now I'm at another name brand company. And it looks even more dismal. LOL. I've always been known to make the most logical and responsible and sound decisions. However, this job situation is looking like a reckless prostitute who will sell anything just to get ahead. I'm not at that level but aren't we all? Don't we hold back our opinions just to avoid being labeled as the "trouble-maker" or "complainer"? I thought I'd be a CEO or director by this time in my life. I thought I'd have a career. I have a job and thank God it's more than some have.

Intimacy. That's what I don't have. And I miss it more than ever. I had it once upon a time with someone. Funny, b/c I miss it but I don't miss the situation. I miss who I thought he was b/c that's exactly what I wanted in life. I miss being able to share and confide in someone and have them speak great things and encourage me. I miss being able to have that feeling of "you get me. you really really get me and understand me." I get that I'm different but it's hard. I want to feel close to someone. I want to feel like if no one else in this whole wide world doesn't get me, you get me. I want that feeling that Alicia Keys talks about "nothin in this whole wide world don't mean a thing if I ain't got ya" When does that come? When will I feel like I matter to someone and I'm a priority to them?

When will I excel in my professional life? When will I have that person that thinks I'm great?

Or is it not what I'm called to have?

You're being Called....

I wrote this blog on 01.05.11 however, I need this reminder RIGHT now...right where I am in my life and in my career. I have decisions I need to make, choices I need to consider while still being patient so I can hear from God.....Here's my reminder of what I need to do. Hope it helps you out.

 The Call of Abram

You were made for more than this. How many times have you heard this phrase? How many times have you told yourself this phrase or told someone else this?

Genesis 12: 1-3 (NLT)

1  The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. 3 I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you.”

The Lord is calling you to do some magnificent things. When you've been called to do those things, it's lonely. This verse right here summarizes it. "Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you." You were called to leave and to go where God is showing you. It may not be a different physical location. He may be asking you to leave your family in a sense where everyone has traditionally chosen a similar path. Also notice that he doesn't say "go to _____." He says "go to the land that I WILL show you." God is paving the way for you. If you are still and obedient yet swift to follow his directions, He's going to give you your calling.

If you are in a position where you feel you are “made for more than this” you are exactly right, you are. God is calling you to go to the land that HE WILL SHOW YOU, not the path you have designed and desired in your mind.

When doing the work you’ve been called to do, keep these things in mind:

1.      It’s lonely. God told Abram, leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family. Imagine the loneliness. You will be around people who are you not familiar with. Family brings a sense of closeness and comfort. They are usually people who have made you feel loved and wanted. They are usually the people who have molded you into the person you are today. Family relations are very vital to shaping our beliefs and the core person we are. So to leave that familiar place is going to be very lonely. It’ll be lonely in the sense that we won’t physically have them if we are called to move to a different geographic location. But it will also be lonely if God touches our heart to leave our family in a “tradition” sense. Oftentimes we have set traditions/rituals as a family. God may be telling you to leave that tradition and cling to his that he will provide you. It’ll also be lonely if you’ve always wanted to “follow in your father’s footsteps” or if your family is known for success in a particular area or profession. So in addition to being lonely physically, there is also the chance where socially you’ll feel alone.

2.      Leaving your comfort zone. When God called Abram to leave, it not only was going to be lonely but he was going to leave his comfort zone. If you’ve had your entire life mapped out, imagine stepping out on faith. It’s something that seems unfamiliar. It’s not comfortable to you. However in order for God to work and do great things, we must step out of what’s comfortable to us to follow his lead. Since God knows all, he will prepare us for things that our natural mind can’t even comprehend. Well to do so, we have to be willing to leave what we feel is natural or comfortable. A good way to think of this is it’s often uncomfortable when we grow, even physically. Imagine keeping a 5 year old in an infant carseat. When the child is an infant, the child fits comfortably in the carseat. But as that child grows, their childseat should grow to a booster seat. Think of the carseat as your environment or surroundings. You are not in the same carseat as you continue to grow. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be to be 5 years old sitting in an infant seat.

3.      Exercise faith. We will have to step out in faith to do what God is telling us to do. If we know everything, then how are we allowing God to show us? Exercise your faith when your family, friends, coworkers or just people in general tell you that “it sounds crazy.” If God has directed you, let it “sound crazy” to them. No one but God has 20/20 vision of what your life and future will hold. He has promised to make you a great nation but there are some things you will have to do to receive it.

4.      There will be requirements. God is going to require you to do certain things to receive his blessings. If you remain steadfast and prayerful and obedient to what he ask, you will be rewarded.

5.      Be patient. God is not going to work on your timeline. As much as you desire it, it’s not going to happen. God has a bird’s eye of the entire process. You are working in one part. So you may feel like it’s taking forever and a day however if you remain patient, then God will bring it all together so that it’ll work out how he said.

6.      You are NOT in control. Things are not as though they appear. God tells us that he’s going to bless those who bless us and curse those who curse us. What he also does is uses our “tests” to become the foundation for our testimony. It is not for you to avenge who has tried to sabotage you. It is your job to walk away and allow God to deal with them. Notice he didn’t say “I’m going to let you defeat those who curse you.” Allow God to do what he needs to do to position you where you need to be. In addition, if your mind is consumed with paying back the person who cursed you, then you’ve lost focus on what you’ve been called to do. You need to remain focused.

7.      Remain focused. Let the main thing be the main thing. God is using you for his good to direct you to your calling. Don’t be distracted by the little things. Your attention and focus will be beneficial so that you can truly enjoy where God takes you.

God wants to bless you. Jeremiah 29:11 states “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)” God has already planned out your future. He wants to bless you, give you a great future, give you hope and bless you to be great. If we fail, it’s not because God’s plan was a failure. I’m sure the flawed area is somewhere where we didn’t do our part. Most of the time when we didn’t do our part, we were busy trying to do God’s part. In every part we have been designed to play, we have to do what we’re called to do. Once we master that, God’s promises of greatness and a hopeful future will manifest.

Prayer: Lord, I know that I’m anxious for my greatness you’ve called me to do. Please forgive me and speak to my heart to remind me that I have to do what I’ve been told to do and remember you are God. I realize I need to position myself where you ask and I just ask that you give me the strength to endure what I have to be where you want me to be. Please forgive me for any sins that I’ve committed. Thank you for the chance to do your will and thank you for the blessings you’ve given. Amen.

Life Lessons....

It's easier for me to believe in it for you than it is me. it's easier for me to see your dream come true rather than believe mine will. I don't know why. maybe after all the hurt and disappointment, I still have faith in God but not in myself. maybe b/c I know all the things I've done....good and not so good. maybe it's because I'm overly critical of myself and because I don't measure up to my own high a** standards I don't feel that I'll ever reach that "aaaaahhhhhhh, I've made it" moment.

I see people in love and think "I want that." Then I remember what I've been thru with this so called "love" thing and shudder at what could possibly happen next. If anyone tries to get close to me at all, I run. Like full fledge run faster than Marion Jones and never look back. I feel this anxiety rise up from the depths of my stomach and travel up to my heart. My heart starts pounding and then in my brain, I formulate every reason why it won't work. I become immobilized with fear at the idea of being that open and transparent with someone again. Again. Not again. I'm a tad bit of a control freak. I like to know it's a safe risk. I need to KNOW and feel with every fiber that I can trust you and be safe....but who can do that? I mean, everyone has ulterior motives.

Ever had someone run amok with your feelings? Huh? Ever look up and say where am I? How could I get so far off from who I was....well, who I thought I was? Then see that person completely manipulate every good virtue that you have? I mean, it's one thing to think it...but when you watch it. Talk about hurtful. It literally is an out of body experience. 

It's hard. You start to make progress and then these feelings come rushing back. At what point have I conquered this? What lesson is God bringing me back for? Well, in my case, I feel like it has to be LESSONS and not A LESSON. 

But....I want to learn. I look at my son and how much faith he has in me. How this child thinks every man would want his mother b/c I'm "so pretty, hot,gorgeous and beautiful....especially with my glittery stuff on my eyes (his description for eyeshadow)." And I think in a way, I've used being his mother as an excuse to avoid love at all costs. I think I've justified that HE is my main responsibility so I don't have time for the emotional work that a relationship brings....OR I've done what I always do: I've opted for the SAFE risk. It's safe to love my son and put all my time and attention with him. He's my son. So I find a reason why it won't work with someone and throw myself into my son, friends and family. 

But this weekend I was kinda smacked in the face. Three friends set me straight. One friend told me I was my own worst relationship critic. Another friend told me I'm doing my usual: over-analyzing and worrying about things that may never happen. And the 3rd friend told me the reason I run from commitment/love and lose interest is b/c I don't give of myself. Gulp...hard to take. 

But the longer I thought about it, they are all right. I believe in others to fall in love and get married. I believe that there is a good guy out there for every woman who wants to be loved. I believe that God didn't design us to be alone, and wants us to have a healthy marriage and friendships. I believe that I am my worst critic and extremely harder on myself than I ever deserve. I believe that I over analyze and worry about things that won't happen. I believe that I've been trying to stop that but I'm not doing such a good job. And when I heard "you need to give of yourself and quit being so selfish" I thought he doesn't know what he's talking about.

I mean, I try to be that friend if you need a ride, I'm there. If you need to vent, I'm there. Even though I personally have my issues with relationship, I've been told I give good relationship advice. I smile and keep the party going when I don't feel like it. I try to encourage my friends....but then again, I give my friends everything but me. This 3rd friend was right. And you want to know how I know he was right? About 4 months ago I had dinner with my friends who have been married for a while. They said "T, we think you're awesome and we've watched you. You don't ever let anyone see how you truly feel. You give us all different pieces of you and think you have to be perfect. We just want you to be you. You don't have to be the life of the party if you don't want to. And we think it's BS that you don't have a great man in your life b/c you are a great woman and friend. We've watched you be "perfect" and we're here to tell you that as your friends, we love you. Exactly how you are. So you don't have to be avoid being you. We don't need a perfect friend. We know you don't want to be vulnerable but that's what you should be able to do with your friends and loved ones."

Talk about confirmation....But for the next two days I've thought "What do I need to do to give of myself?" And it hit me. I really don't need to do anything. My friends know they can count on me to DO whatever they need. But they don't know all parts of me b/c I don't want to BE vulnerable. Each person sees a different side of me, but it's only the side I allow them to see. 

So, how do I give myself is the question I'm still struggling with. I don't think it will magically appear. I think this is part of the lesson God's been dealing with me about: going thru the journey and still being joyful and steadfast and having faith. I need to not worry about what my friends and family's expectations are and worry about my REALISTIC ones. I need to be still and pray to ask God for direction. I need to ask God to heal something He didn't damage - the hurt from past relationships that I shouldn't have even been in. Thankfully, I see His hand in the healing but I have free will and need to do my part. They are all lessons if I don't repeat the same mistakes....let's see how it goes.....

A random post...

Frustrating.

I don’t know the right way to say it and I also don’t even want to censor myself. If I can’t be real with myself, then who can I be real with?

Let me say why it’s frustrating. I know have somewhat of a jaded attitude. Now if you even meet with me, you won’t agree. I’m an optimistic and hopeful romantic. However, the mere thought of falling in love again scares me. Scares me enough to where I’ll logically talk myself out of it. Lucky for me, God hasn’t placed more on me than I can bare in this area and I don’t have any prospects. But I’m torn. I want to date, fall in love and be in a relationship but then I wonder if it’ll all happen like it did last time.

I’m frustrated b/c I made the ultimate no no decision and trusted someone I shouldn’t have. I can’t say he was all bad but he definitely not all good for me. Funny how you realize this AFTER the fact. Probably b/c you have a clear head and heart. I’m frustrated b/c I’m an over-analyzer. So you know I’m sitting here wondering why I kept going despite the signs. It’s frustrating b/c I’m pretty sure I’m the only one over analyzing this situation. I don’t know that for certain, nor do I even care at this point. I’m responsible for me. And I should have made better decisions.

I can’t say I regret it and then I can’t say I don’t regret it. I will say it’s a lesson learned. But now to the big thing I’m frustrated about….what happens next? Yes, I know…life happens. I move on. And I’m glad for that. But how do I stop myself from repeating my mistakes. B/c one thing I’ve noticed about dating, love and relationships is that we tend to repeat our past. We tend to date the same person over and over again…just a different person.

As for me, I like someone with charisma. I mean, isn’t great when your partner can crack you up and light up an entire room? Doesn’t it make you feel proud or even validated that not only you are under his charm but an entire roomful of people are? Even though I wouldn’t admit to it, Charisma definitely on my list of “type of man I want to date” until I read an article yesterday. Damn knowledge…I wanted to pretend ignorance is bliss, although I’ve never been that type. Too nosey.

Charismatic attitude is not a type. It’s not a trait that we should list on our “desirable traits in a man/woman.” I think I’m going to just go with genuine, sincere, honest and funny. I think my list may be too long. I think I do that so I can find a reason to cross potential great guys out b/c I was scared of what a relationship may bring. Charge it to my ex who was intense and drama filled. Charge it to myself where I like to have options and commit only when I’m 100% sure b/c I use this a defense mechanism not to get hurt. Charge it to the young girl who had to be an adult a lot quicker b/c of her mom dying when she was five. Charge it to life. However, you charge it, I’ve decided I’m going make some changes.

I only have these frustrating moments once in a while. And I’m entitled to that. I really believe that the man who finds me who love me and appreciate me. I mean, those who know me know I won’t give him any other choice (smile). But I definitely am grateful for the past with the lessons learned. Because when that great guy (who is not perfect but dang near close – insert another smile here) comes along, I’ll appreciate him. I’ll realize that I’ve seen the other side and when I get the guy who is my match, it’ll push me to work thru the great and not so great times b/c I’ll be thankful for who God brought to me. Plain and simple.

So, I’ll take this frustrating moment. B/c I know right before triumph comes that frustrating, tedious and long journey. This is all part of me going thru the journey to get to the finish line.

Are you going or growing?

Are you going or growing?

I find that self reflection can be somewhat difficult. Let me explain. I’ve lived with myself for 29 years so to me, the way I do most things make sense to me. My best friend calls it “Tiara’s World Logic.” We laugh about it but one day I was like “it makes sense to me.” And it does.

The way we do things are often stemmed from a defense or growth mechanism. We either do things because it shields us and protects us from what we deem is harmful to our intimate, emotional, vulnerable self or because it makes us feel some sense of pride and accomplishment. Our method may not necessarily be the “right” way or the quickest, cheapest or even most logical way…but it’s OUR way.

But have you stopped lately to ask “Am I just going or am I growing?” That’s often a hard question if you’re anything like myself. I am always on the go. Matter of fact, I prefer to not only be on the go but to stay on the go. At least that was a HUGE part of my DNA…until I realized it was defense mechanism.

When I say “staying on the go” I mean helping others, planning/attending different functions, organizing something for friends/family….basically being everything to everyone and no one to myself. I stayed on the go for so long because it was easier to deal with other things than the areas that I’ve needed to grow. If one of my friends called with an issue, guess who put on their cape to be right there to save the day? If there were 72 hours in one weekend, guess who was up and about 60 plus hours? I was giving so much of myself to others that I didn’t realize that I wasn’t growing. Or maybe I did and just didn’t want to admit it.

I’ve never eaten at a restaurant alone. I’ve never watched a movie at a movie theater alone. There were times that if I didn’t have others surrounding me, I found another project to complete just so I wouldn’t have to do the 1^st one alone…Pretty sad, huh? Not really. I needed to do this. I am what you call a “giver.” I always want to include others and have a great time. And that behavior was appropriate for THAT SEASON.

I read a devotional where it was discussing if you’re going or growing. I was just going to keep reading and file it away but something about that question resounded in my spirit. Am I going? Well of course…but am I growing? Am I dealing with the same issues that I was dealing with last year? Ouch…well, some. Am I around the same negative people that I was last year? Nope! Whew, now I can say I’m growing, right? Nope, refer back to that first question.

It’s easy to remove some of the negative people. It’s probably best for you. However, when they are gone, you now need to deal with the common denominator…YOU. What areas did those negative people magnify? No truer words have been spoken than of “there is something that I see in him/her that I don’t like about me” when describing someone who is working your nerves or someone you dislike.

Maybe some of you are like me, by continuing to busy yourself so you don’t have to deal with your negative ways and grow into the person you’re called to be. Maybe some of you spend so much time on self reflection yet don’t activate your faith to walk and show the world the person you’d like to grow to be. Maybe some of you have grown but along that growth spurt picked up other negative habits. Whatever your defense mechanism is, you still have another opportunity to grow instead of just go. You don’t need to “wait to get yourself together” before you grow in the right direction. Start now, start today. You can grow in the dump that you are in.

You can make the decision to put aside those negative behaviors/attitudes and instead of staying in that “dump state of mind,” you grow in the dump, right where you are planted. You don’t have to get dolled up for God to position you. All He asks is that you come to Him as you are. Nothing more, nothing less. If you can believe Him and stand for what He stands for, then you can grow where you are planted….even if it is a dump. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you have to get yourself together to come to God. God will meet you right where you are but, you have to show up to the meeting. He wants to you to not just go but to grow into the person He’s created you to be. He wants you to live with passion and purpose and not just exist. But you have to agree to grow where you are. You have to be open to doing some things that you’d never thought you’d do. Maybe it’s letting go of a lover who isn’t for you. Maybe it’s kicking a bad habit. Maybe it’s changing your lifestyle. Maybe it’s sitting down and being still when you love to go. Maybe it’s a renewed mind. You have to come to the meeting so God can meet you there. If you do your part, He’ll do His. And let me tell you, He’s able to clean up a lot better than you could ever imagine. So go ahead and outgrow those things and people who are holding you back. Don’t be afraid to grow where you are planted in this season of your life. It’s THIS season that gets you ready for your next season!

I realized....

I realized that I'm over it...and I'm jumping for joy.

I realized that what I "thought" I needed was something that I was using to cover up what I was lacking.

I realized that WHO I thought I needed and would never leave, is completely out of my life and I've never been happier. Funny thing is, I thought I was at my "happiest" with that person.

I realized that I have to be my biggest cheerleader. There will be times on this journey of life that I have to go alone and if I rely on others to encourage me, I won't have it.

I realized that I am everything I am and everything I am not....and I like it ;-)

I realized that whoever God created for me, will be just for me. He'll adore me the way I will adore him. I won't have to impress him or be someone I'm not.

I realized that I am great....scratch that, I'm awesome.

I realized that I am a damn good woman. Just the way I am. I embrace change. I try to make the necessary changes needed for me to grow.

I realized that I will not ever compare myself to anyone else. There is only one me and one of them...We don't need two in this world.

I realized that it's okay to have a bad day. And if I do have a bad day, I need to remove myself from others so I don't encourage them to have a bad day.

I realized that since I've deleted some folks from my life, it's gotten so much better. I don't really think it's "gotten better" as much as I could see the better in my life. Funny how things turn out. Even as funny as it is, I wouldn't change it for the world. I enjoy where I am and where I'm going. And I also enjoy this journey with the family and true friends who are in my life.

Lastly, I realized that all I needed was God's grace and mercy. I've made some awesome choices and then some not so great ones. I don't need the approval or grace and mercy from one person. God has forgiven me and given more chances to make up for what was lost. Life is complete knowing that.

The Journey: Baby Step 3

Discipline, discipline, discipline...

Whew, typing that word is extremely hard! LOL!

So the 1st step was recognizing what areas you needed to change. The 2nd step was deleting some old habits and people from your life. The 3rd step is DISCIPLINE. Just a disclaimer, it's rather hard for me to write about this step because I'm currently going through it so please bare with me.

Overall, as a society, we've become where we feel "entitled" to certain privileges. We all say that we're hard workers and that we're disciplined however when you look at our actions, we aren't showing it. We will grant ourselves luxuries just because we've had a hard day at work. We'll tell ourselves that because our life is hard, we deserve (fill in the blank here).

To add to our sense of entitlement, we've become a fast paced or "microwave" society. Our schedules are so jam packed that we have to schedule in time for life's necessities like spending time with our family and spouses or even sex (gasp)! We have to be at 5 places at once and thanks to technology, we can. Think about it....you're on the couch with your significant other but you're having a "watch party" of the latest tv shows via Facebook and Twitter. You "check in"  on your smartphone app, attend church and can text and FB while you're waiting on the service to start. You can type an email while you're shopping in the mall looking for back to school clothes. Gone are the days of patience.

So when you combine our fast pace society with a sense of entitlement, you realize that we no longer have to be disciplined anymore. If there's something we don't like, we can google it, find a quick fix and be done with it. If there is an amazingly awesome dinner we have a taste for, we no longer need to prepare it, we can just order it. These modern day luxuries are nice (even I won't deny it). But too much of a good thing can hurt you...even kill you.

I can only speak for myself however, I'm a "planner/goal creater/list maker" so I tend to write down all the things I want to accomplish. There is nothing more exhilarating than making up a new list or goal of something that I really want! I get so excited and start planning out all the steps. I go out and buy all the necessities that's needed for my new adventure. I get the outfit for that new workout regimen. I get all the paper supplies for that vision board. I get all the picture frames for the pictures to put up. I buy ALL the scrapbooking essentials... and I'll even stick with it for a while. But then, I see or think of a NEW goal and thus it starts over again. No discipline. I enjoy the exciting parts of the beginning and the finished product...not so much the journey!

Step 3 is really important because if you don't have the discipline to execute your plan of attack, there will be NO PLAN OF ATTACK. I've learned that you must follow up and follow thru. However, if you don't exercise discipline, there won't be a follow up because there won't be a finished product.

Make your goal. Then be disciplined to tell yourself no. It's really something we've learned in elementary that will help us with this. Remember the slogan "Just Say NO!"? Now would be a good time to exercise that right to say no. Say no to yourself when you want to cheat yourself out of your goals. Say no when someone else wants themselves to take priority over your goals and your purpose. Say no when you've made a mess and just say "what's the harm in staying in this mess? It takes alot more effort to clean it up." You have to be disciplined and focused to live like no one else so later, you can live like no one else.

Don't think you have a problem with saying no and being disciplined? Allow me to share some examples:

I mean, do we really need dessert when we go out to a restaurant? Most  of us eat out at least 2-3 times a week (at least). Do you realize how many calories that "once in a lifetime" dessert is when it's 2-3 times a week? How will you ever get to your weight loss goal if you're just having dessert "only on the special occasions such as eating out"?

Do we really need a savings fund? I mean, I can just charge it all and ruin my credit and then file bankruptcy. Or my mama can put this in her name. Or someone, anyone but myself will bail me out. Why don't I need to spend my ENTIRE paycheck on ME? I work everyday. Why can't you say no to your immediate wants and save towards your future? 

OMG! Victoria's Secret is having ANOTHER sale this weekend! OOOOHHHH, I just have to have those new shoes. Our closet is so full from all of our "I GOT TO HAVE" shopping sprees and yet we still say "I don't have anything to wear." Do you really need to buy EVERYTHING on sale? Do you really need to have a shopping spree every 4 days?


How about saying no when that ex comes back into your life and says "let's just be friends." Then a week later tries to cross that friend line into lover territory. If you've said "no sex" then be disciplined, even with someone who can make your body tremble at the mere sight of them.

How about saying no when you know you don't have enough time but someone asks you for your help with something else. You put yourself last so everyone else can be first. You really inconvenience yourself so you can convenience others (I'm notorious for this).

Lastly, how about saying no to those bad habits or people? Why can't...no, why WON'T you say no to those fake friends who just love to see you down and out like them? Why do you owe them so much that you'd rather live a sorry life as opposed to a life full of potential. Yes, selling drugs will get you fast money. It'll also get you fast jail time and the fast road to death. I don't see any veterans of drug dealing...maybe I'm wrong. But show me someone who's had a prosperous 55 year career of selling drugs....yea, I'll wait.

Learn to say no and get real clear on what steps it'll take you to get to your goals. Be disciplined to work out, even when you don't feel like it. Be disciplined to eat right, even when you don't feel like it. Be disciplined to work a legal and tax paying job, even when you don't feel like it. Be disciplined to leave that ex alone so you can move on and find that husband/wife that God has designed for you.

When you focus and deny yourself of these added and unnecessary luxuries, you build character. You work hard for those goals so that when you do reward yourself, it feels so much better. When you are disciplined enough to save up enough money to have a secure nest egg. You work hard to get that body you desire instead of trying every unhealthy fad diet that probably has your body screaming for a break. You work out and eat right so when time comes to show off that body, you can't help but smile and flaunt it a little bit more. Also, since you've gotten that body by hard work, dedication and discipline you can have dessert and not starve yourself for days.

Being discipline not only includes hard work but also avoiding roadblocks. You know that you're not over your ex, so you check his Facebook page. I mean, it's not really a set back is it? Yes it is. Use discipline. Shut the computer down. If someone walks up to you talking to you about your ex, graciously say "that's great" and change the subject. If they continue, just say "I appreciate it but I don't really want to hear about him/her." If you're roadblock is making an excuse to workout, pack your workout clothes and take them to work. So instead of going home and getting comfy, you can change in your work restroom and go straight to the gym. If your roadblock is the mall, Ross, Walmart or any other shopping center, avoid it. If you can't avoid Walmart, then write your grocery list BEFORE leaving the house and then ONLY take enough cash so you don't over buy.

We all could be more disciplined. This step will take a little bit longer than most. This step is one that you'll always be tested in as long as you're weak in certain areas. But I can tell you that once you overcome your roadblocks and get focused to get disciplined, it's a rewarding feeling. That feeling will make this journey through life feel so much more awesome.

So instead of overwhelming yourself, make ONE goal. Then breakdown that one big goal into 2-3 steps. Focus on working towards the first step while keeping the big goal in mind. Get disciplined and imagine yourself reaching that baby step. Then once you accomplish that 1st step, celebrate! Don't do it too big though, you still have a few more steps until your goal. Once you become disciplined and achieve your goal, make your next goal. However, instead of making ONE goal, work up to accomplishing TWO goals! You can do it.

We need discipline in our lives. No matter where we are in our lives, we have to be disciplined. Throughout this journey in life, we need to stay focused and disciplined on our goals and our purpose in life. There is nothing wrong with denying yourself and being disciplined enough to say no to get to where you want to go.