A random post...

Frustrating.

I don’t know the right way to say it and I also don’t even want to censor myself. If I can’t be real with myself, then who can I be real with?

Let me say why it’s frustrating. I know have somewhat of a jaded attitude. Now if you even meet with me, you won’t agree. I’m an optimistic and hopeful romantic. However, the mere thought of falling in love again scares me. Scares me enough to where I’ll logically talk myself out of it. Lucky for me, God hasn’t placed more on me than I can bare in this area and I don’t have any prospects. But I’m torn. I want to date, fall in love and be in a relationship but then I wonder if it’ll all happen like it did last time.

I’m frustrated b/c I made the ultimate no no decision and trusted someone I shouldn’t have. I can’t say he was all bad but he definitely not all good for me. Funny how you realize this AFTER the fact. Probably b/c you have a clear head and heart. I’m frustrated b/c I’m an over-analyzer. So you know I’m sitting here wondering why I kept going despite the signs. It’s frustrating b/c I’m pretty sure I’m the only one over analyzing this situation. I don’t know that for certain, nor do I even care at this point. I’m responsible for me. And I should have made better decisions.

I can’t say I regret it and then I can’t say I don’t regret it. I will say it’s a lesson learned. But now to the big thing I’m frustrated about….what happens next? Yes, I know…life happens. I move on. And I’m glad for that. But how do I stop myself from repeating my mistakes. B/c one thing I’ve noticed about dating, love and relationships is that we tend to repeat our past. We tend to date the same person over and over again…just a different person.

As for me, I like someone with charisma. I mean, isn’t great when your partner can crack you up and light up an entire room? Doesn’t it make you feel proud or even validated that not only you are under his charm but an entire roomful of people are? Even though I wouldn’t admit to it, Charisma definitely on my list of “type of man I want to date” until I read an article yesterday. Damn knowledge…I wanted to pretend ignorance is bliss, although I’ve never been that type. Too nosey.

Charismatic attitude is not a type. It’s not a trait that we should list on our “desirable traits in a man/woman.” I think I’m going to just go with genuine, sincere, honest and funny. I think my list may be too long. I think I do that so I can find a reason to cross potential great guys out b/c I was scared of what a relationship may bring. Charge it to my ex who was intense and drama filled. Charge it to myself where I like to have options and commit only when I’m 100% sure b/c I use this a defense mechanism not to get hurt. Charge it to the young girl who had to be an adult a lot quicker b/c of her mom dying when she was five. Charge it to life. However, you charge it, I’ve decided I’m going make some changes.

I only have these frustrating moments once in a while. And I’m entitled to that. I really believe that the man who finds me who love me and appreciate me. I mean, those who know me know I won’t give him any other choice (smile). But I definitely am grateful for the past with the lessons learned. Because when that great guy (who is not perfect but dang near close – insert another smile here) comes along, I’ll appreciate him. I’ll realize that I’ve seen the other side and when I get the guy who is my match, it’ll push me to work thru the great and not so great times b/c I’ll be thankful for who God brought to me. Plain and simple.

So, I’ll take this frustrating moment. B/c I know right before triumph comes that frustrating, tedious and long journey. This is all part of me going thru the journey to get to the finish line.

Are you going or growing?

Are you going or growing?

I find that self reflection can be somewhat difficult. Let me explain. I’ve lived with myself for 29 years so to me, the way I do most things make sense to me. My best friend calls it “Tiara’s World Logic.” We laugh about it but one day I was like “it makes sense to me.” And it does.

The way we do things are often stemmed from a defense or growth mechanism. We either do things because it shields us and protects us from what we deem is harmful to our intimate, emotional, vulnerable self or because it makes us feel some sense of pride and accomplishment. Our method may not necessarily be the “right” way or the quickest, cheapest or even most logical way…but it’s OUR way.

But have you stopped lately to ask “Am I just going or am I growing?” That’s often a hard question if you’re anything like myself. I am always on the go. Matter of fact, I prefer to not only be on the go but to stay on the go. At least that was a HUGE part of my DNA…until I realized it was defense mechanism.

When I say “staying on the go” I mean helping others, planning/attending different functions, organizing something for friends/family….basically being everything to everyone and no one to myself. I stayed on the go for so long because it was easier to deal with other things than the areas that I’ve needed to grow. If one of my friends called with an issue, guess who put on their cape to be right there to save the day? If there were 72 hours in one weekend, guess who was up and about 60 plus hours? I was giving so much of myself to others that I didn’t realize that I wasn’t growing. Or maybe I did and just didn’t want to admit it.

I’ve never eaten at a restaurant alone. I’ve never watched a movie at a movie theater alone. There were times that if I didn’t have others surrounding me, I found another project to complete just so I wouldn’t have to do the 1^st one alone…Pretty sad, huh? Not really. I needed to do this. I am what you call a “giver.” I always want to include others and have a great time. And that behavior was appropriate for THAT SEASON.

I read a devotional where it was discussing if you’re going or growing. I was just going to keep reading and file it away but something about that question resounded in my spirit. Am I going? Well of course…but am I growing? Am I dealing with the same issues that I was dealing with last year? Ouch…well, some. Am I around the same negative people that I was last year? Nope! Whew, now I can say I’m growing, right? Nope, refer back to that first question.

It’s easy to remove some of the negative people. It’s probably best for you. However, when they are gone, you now need to deal with the common denominator…YOU. What areas did those negative people magnify? No truer words have been spoken than of “there is something that I see in him/her that I don’t like about me” when describing someone who is working your nerves or someone you dislike.

Maybe some of you are like me, by continuing to busy yourself so you don’t have to deal with your negative ways and grow into the person you’re called to be. Maybe some of you spend so much time on self reflection yet don’t activate your faith to walk and show the world the person you’d like to grow to be. Maybe some of you have grown but along that growth spurt picked up other negative habits. Whatever your defense mechanism is, you still have another opportunity to grow instead of just go. You don’t need to “wait to get yourself together” before you grow in the right direction. Start now, start today. You can grow in the dump that you are in.

You can make the decision to put aside those negative behaviors/attitudes and instead of staying in that “dump state of mind,” you grow in the dump, right where you are planted. You don’t have to get dolled up for God to position you. All He asks is that you come to Him as you are. Nothing more, nothing less. If you can believe Him and stand for what He stands for, then you can grow where you are planted….even if it is a dump. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you have to get yourself together to come to God. God will meet you right where you are but, you have to show up to the meeting. He wants to you to not just go but to grow into the person He’s created you to be. He wants you to live with passion and purpose and not just exist. But you have to agree to grow where you are. You have to be open to doing some things that you’d never thought you’d do. Maybe it’s letting go of a lover who isn’t for you. Maybe it’s kicking a bad habit. Maybe it’s changing your lifestyle. Maybe it’s sitting down and being still when you love to go. Maybe it’s a renewed mind. You have to come to the meeting so God can meet you there. If you do your part, He’ll do His. And let me tell you, He’s able to clean up a lot better than you could ever imagine. So go ahead and outgrow those things and people who are holding you back. Don’t be afraid to grow where you are planted in this season of your life. It’s THIS season that gets you ready for your next season!

I realized....

I realized that I'm over it...and I'm jumping for joy.

I realized that what I "thought" I needed was something that I was using to cover up what I was lacking.

I realized that WHO I thought I needed and would never leave, is completely out of my life and I've never been happier. Funny thing is, I thought I was at my "happiest" with that person.

I realized that I have to be my biggest cheerleader. There will be times on this journey of life that I have to go alone and if I rely on others to encourage me, I won't have it.

I realized that I am everything I am and everything I am not....and I like it ;-)

I realized that whoever God created for me, will be just for me. He'll adore me the way I will adore him. I won't have to impress him or be someone I'm not.

I realized that I am great....scratch that, I'm awesome.

I realized that I am a damn good woman. Just the way I am. I embrace change. I try to make the necessary changes needed for me to grow.

I realized that I will not ever compare myself to anyone else. There is only one me and one of them...We don't need two in this world.

I realized that it's okay to have a bad day. And if I do have a bad day, I need to remove myself from others so I don't encourage them to have a bad day.

I realized that since I've deleted some folks from my life, it's gotten so much better. I don't really think it's "gotten better" as much as I could see the better in my life. Funny how things turn out. Even as funny as it is, I wouldn't change it for the world. I enjoy where I am and where I'm going. And I also enjoy this journey with the family and true friends who are in my life.

Lastly, I realized that all I needed was God's grace and mercy. I've made some awesome choices and then some not so great ones. I don't need the approval or grace and mercy from one person. God has forgiven me and given more chances to make up for what was lost. Life is complete knowing that.

The Journey: Baby Step 3

Discipline, discipline, discipline...

Whew, typing that word is extremely hard! LOL!

So the 1st step was recognizing what areas you needed to change. The 2nd step was deleting some old habits and people from your life. The 3rd step is DISCIPLINE. Just a disclaimer, it's rather hard for me to write about this step because I'm currently going through it so please bare with me.

Overall, as a society, we've become where we feel "entitled" to certain privileges. We all say that we're hard workers and that we're disciplined however when you look at our actions, we aren't showing it. We will grant ourselves luxuries just because we've had a hard day at work. We'll tell ourselves that because our life is hard, we deserve (fill in the blank here).

To add to our sense of entitlement, we've become a fast paced or "microwave" society. Our schedules are so jam packed that we have to schedule in time for life's necessities like spending time with our family and spouses or even sex (gasp)! We have to be at 5 places at once and thanks to technology, we can. Think about it....you're on the couch with your significant other but you're having a "watch party" of the latest tv shows via Facebook and Twitter. You "check in"  on your smartphone app, attend church and can text and FB while you're waiting on the service to start. You can type an email while you're shopping in the mall looking for back to school clothes. Gone are the days of patience.

So when you combine our fast pace society with a sense of entitlement, you realize that we no longer have to be disciplined anymore. If there's something we don't like, we can google it, find a quick fix and be done with it. If there is an amazingly awesome dinner we have a taste for, we no longer need to prepare it, we can just order it. These modern day luxuries are nice (even I won't deny it). But too much of a good thing can hurt you...even kill you.

I can only speak for myself however, I'm a "planner/goal creater/list maker" so I tend to write down all the things I want to accomplish. There is nothing more exhilarating than making up a new list or goal of something that I really want! I get so excited and start planning out all the steps. I go out and buy all the necessities that's needed for my new adventure. I get the outfit for that new workout regimen. I get all the paper supplies for that vision board. I get all the picture frames for the pictures to put up. I buy ALL the scrapbooking essentials... and I'll even stick with it for a while. But then, I see or think of a NEW goal and thus it starts over again. No discipline. I enjoy the exciting parts of the beginning and the finished product...not so much the journey!

Step 3 is really important because if you don't have the discipline to execute your plan of attack, there will be NO PLAN OF ATTACK. I've learned that you must follow up and follow thru. However, if you don't exercise discipline, there won't be a follow up because there won't be a finished product.

Make your goal. Then be disciplined to tell yourself no. It's really something we've learned in elementary that will help us with this. Remember the slogan "Just Say NO!"? Now would be a good time to exercise that right to say no. Say no to yourself when you want to cheat yourself out of your goals. Say no when someone else wants themselves to take priority over your goals and your purpose. Say no when you've made a mess and just say "what's the harm in staying in this mess? It takes alot more effort to clean it up." You have to be disciplined and focused to live like no one else so later, you can live like no one else.

Don't think you have a problem with saying no and being disciplined? Allow me to share some examples:

I mean, do we really need dessert when we go out to a restaurant? Most  of us eat out at least 2-3 times a week (at least). Do you realize how many calories that "once in a lifetime" dessert is when it's 2-3 times a week? How will you ever get to your weight loss goal if you're just having dessert "only on the special occasions such as eating out"?

Do we really need a savings fund? I mean, I can just charge it all and ruin my credit and then file bankruptcy. Or my mama can put this in her name. Or someone, anyone but myself will bail me out. Why don't I need to spend my ENTIRE paycheck on ME? I work everyday. Why can't you say no to your immediate wants and save towards your future? 

OMG! Victoria's Secret is having ANOTHER sale this weekend! OOOOHHHH, I just have to have those new shoes. Our closet is so full from all of our "I GOT TO HAVE" shopping sprees and yet we still say "I don't have anything to wear." Do you really need to buy EVERYTHING on sale? Do you really need to have a shopping spree every 4 days?


How about saying no when that ex comes back into your life and says "let's just be friends." Then a week later tries to cross that friend line into lover territory. If you've said "no sex" then be disciplined, even with someone who can make your body tremble at the mere sight of them.

How about saying no when you know you don't have enough time but someone asks you for your help with something else. You put yourself last so everyone else can be first. You really inconvenience yourself so you can convenience others (I'm notorious for this).

Lastly, how about saying no to those bad habits or people? Why can't...no, why WON'T you say no to those fake friends who just love to see you down and out like them? Why do you owe them so much that you'd rather live a sorry life as opposed to a life full of potential. Yes, selling drugs will get you fast money. It'll also get you fast jail time and the fast road to death. I don't see any veterans of drug dealing...maybe I'm wrong. But show me someone who's had a prosperous 55 year career of selling drugs....yea, I'll wait.

Learn to say no and get real clear on what steps it'll take you to get to your goals. Be disciplined to work out, even when you don't feel like it. Be disciplined to eat right, even when you don't feel like it. Be disciplined to work a legal and tax paying job, even when you don't feel like it. Be disciplined to leave that ex alone so you can move on and find that husband/wife that God has designed for you.

When you focus and deny yourself of these added and unnecessary luxuries, you build character. You work hard for those goals so that when you do reward yourself, it feels so much better. When you are disciplined enough to save up enough money to have a secure nest egg. You work hard to get that body you desire instead of trying every unhealthy fad diet that probably has your body screaming for a break. You work out and eat right so when time comes to show off that body, you can't help but smile and flaunt it a little bit more. Also, since you've gotten that body by hard work, dedication and discipline you can have dessert and not starve yourself for days.

Being discipline not only includes hard work but also avoiding roadblocks. You know that you're not over your ex, so you check his Facebook page. I mean, it's not really a set back is it? Yes it is. Use discipline. Shut the computer down. If someone walks up to you talking to you about your ex, graciously say "that's great" and change the subject. If they continue, just say "I appreciate it but I don't really want to hear about him/her." If you're roadblock is making an excuse to workout, pack your workout clothes and take them to work. So instead of going home and getting comfy, you can change in your work restroom and go straight to the gym. If your roadblock is the mall, Ross, Walmart or any other shopping center, avoid it. If you can't avoid Walmart, then write your grocery list BEFORE leaving the house and then ONLY take enough cash so you don't over buy.

We all could be more disciplined. This step will take a little bit longer than most. This step is one that you'll always be tested in as long as you're weak in certain areas. But I can tell you that once you overcome your roadblocks and get focused to get disciplined, it's a rewarding feeling. That feeling will make this journey through life feel so much more awesome.

So instead of overwhelming yourself, make ONE goal. Then breakdown that one big goal into 2-3 steps. Focus on working towards the first step while keeping the big goal in mind. Get disciplined and imagine yourself reaching that baby step. Then once you accomplish that 1st step, celebrate! Don't do it too big though, you still have a few more steps until your goal. Once you become disciplined and achieve your goal, make your next goal. However, instead of making ONE goal, work up to accomplishing TWO goals! You can do it.

We need discipline in our lives. No matter where we are in our lives, we have to be disciplined. Throughout this journey in life, we need to stay focused and disciplined on our goals and our purpose in life. There is nothing wrong with denying yourself and being disciplined enough to say no to get to where you want to go. 

The Journey: Baby Step 2

So after the initial baby step 1 where you find that it's time to make a step, what's the next course of action? The 2nd step is probably the hardest step...DELETE....

LOL, no one wants to "delete". Delete is so permanent and requires discipline so we often try to skip over this step. We will try to hold onto familiar things in order to convince ourselves that we are happy, when in fact we are just the opposite of happy. Think about it....

If you're trying to get over an ex, you will more than likely still keep some type of memorabilia just to "remind" you of the good times. We've all done it. We've kept a picture, a shirt that he used to always wear, a souvenir that was a gift to us, his favorite cd, a sweet letter or email (from good times), a piece of jewelry...just something tangible and reminds us that it really did exists.

If you're trying to move forward in life financially and career-wise, you do the same. You keep a ratty old tshirt that reminded you of those hard times, a picture, an article, just something.

If you're trying to move on weight-wise, you keep something of your old lifestyle in your house. You may keep those fruit snacks (for just in case), a hidden box of little debbie's, your "BIG" shirt that reminds you of where you used to be.

So, no matter what area you are moving forward, you keep some tangible memory to remind you of where you were. Now, in some cases, that may be beneficial. However, let's think about it. When you were in English, you had to write a rough draft. In that rough draft, you made all types of corrections and formed new ideas. Then you had to type the final paper. When you typed the final draft, you typed over the rough draft and probably printed a copy of the rough draft and used the paper rough draft to help you as a guide. When you were done typing the final draft you hit "Save" and then threw the paper rough draft away. Think of life the same way.

In life, we need to know that it's okay to "delete" some things to move on...it's even necessary. I read an article where it was saying it's alot harder to get over your ex now because of all the social networking sites. I completely agree. Sometimes the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" works. Imagine that one person you were trying to get over. If you saw that person EVERY day, it'd bring up all the old hurts....AND old feelings of love. This would then cause you to be blinded by the bad times and suddenly want that person back b/c you're lonely. No other reason.

When you've made up in your mind that you're moving towards a better life, you need to delete those daily, sentimental reminders that keep you in the same mindset of the one you're moving on from. You don't need to keep your ex on your Facebook, twitter, email distribution list, and speed dial. Move on. Delete that space and make room for your future.

When it's time for that promotion and new career path, you don't have to keep that uniform from your Mickey D's job. Give it away. You need to now start shopping for your elevated position. How silly would it look to walk into a Wallstreet job wearing a McDonald's uniform?

You have to let go of all your past fears, hurts, complaints and regrets. You have to delete that ex-lover who hurt you more than you've ever experienced. You don't need to "keep in touch."  You don't need to be their friend. You don't have to see what's going on in their life...b/c if they wanted you in their life, you'd be in it. You don't have to continually put yourself out there for a "friend" who constantly takes. You do need to delete toxic people, thoughts and memorabilia from your life. You want better so you have to do better. It's not going to be easy. Matter of fact, permanently deleting people and things from your life is extremely hard. We tend to hold on to anything that once brought us happiness. But instead of living in the past, live in the present. You have to ask yourself this question: "Is this person/thing adding to my purpose or taking away from it?" Anything that doesn't add to your purpose and goals, is a distraction and it takes away from it.

So if you're trying to lose weight, those Little Debbie's take away from what you're trying to do. If you're trying to get over an ex, reading their daily posts about how great their life is with their new boo does nothing but hurt you. If you're trying to elevate yourself to a new life and get out of the negative environment, keeping those negative talking friends around is taking away from your goal.

You must learn to delete, move on and be disciplined. In order to get something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. You're going to have to sacrifice. And a "sacrifice" doesn't mean easy. There will be a lot of tears, frustration, discipline, awkward moments, hurt feelings, and self deprivation. However, that moment that you reach your goal...That moment you can see your ex and not have any feelings to be back with him/her or even want them, that moment you shed those 45 pounds, that moment you step into the career you want, will be a sweet taste of heaven. It'll be a feeling that you won't ever be able to articulate and in that moment you'll know that every heartache you had to delete added to your everlasting joy....

I'm sorry but that's how it works. YOU have to let go so God can bring you better. He can't put anything or anyone in your hand if you're busy holding on tightly to what you once had....

The Journey: Baby Step 1

I've decided to make some changes in my life. The following are my initial thoughts to all that I'm going thru.

It hurts...change hurts. Not always in a "this is so bad and I can't do this" way but in an uncomfortable shift. However, I think that once you get past these "growing pains", it then is exhilarating. It makes me kind of excited to think of what challenges and successes that I'm sure to overcome.

I've realized that I am my biggest critic and stumbling block. However, I'm refocusing and have decided that while I could be a critic and a stumbling block to myself, I'd much rather coach myself with guidance and positive growth. I'm determined not to be extremely hard on myself yet I will make sure that I don't get too comfortable and allow complacency.

Its time to close some doors on some things, people, habits, and thoughts. I've always tried to forgive and give people 2nd chances...and then 3rd, 4th, 5th and then usually by 25th time I'm ready to walk away. I'm always saying when people show you who they are (or when they tell you), believe them. They know themselves better than I ever will. Also, I need to understand that failure is not the end of the world. If I've tried to make something work and it doesn't work, time to rethink and discover some additional options.

Give more to myself...I feel that I'm a giver by nature. However, I've noticed that the last person I give to and even refuse to give to is myself. I am a woman, a mother, sister, cousin, niece, friend and if I don't take care of myself, then no one else will. It's time to love myself so much that I can give more to me. I've said "I can't be faithful to anyone until I'm faithful to myself...." I've thought about it. I can only do and give to others as much as I do for myself. 


I'm leaving the past behind. I won't allow past mistakes to condemn the rest of my life. It is what it is and it ain't what it ain't....nothing more, nothing less. I can't redo it, I'm just going to learn from it and avoid any further repeats of the past. 


I have to do what's best for me...and I'm just now realizing that I won't ever have the "perfect manual" to life that lays out perfect directions. I have to live life...not plan it down to every second. It's fine to set goals and plans but I have to be flexible. I have to also understand that God will get me where I want to go. But if I'm busy planning without Him, then I'm going to be continually in a state of stress and frustration. Time to live better and smarter....

5 critical survival lessons of life:

5 critical survival lessons of life that Carole Gilbert taught her daughter Elizabeth...Definitely needed in this day and age!


1. Make the most of whatever you are dealt.

2. If you are given only one opportunity to speak, be certain your voice is heard.

3. Have a ball.

4. Perfect your character relentlessly. And most important—

5. If life gives you lemons, don't settle for simply making lemonade—make a glorious scene at a lemonade stand.

Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of the New York Times bestseller Eat, Pray, Love which was made into a movie starring Julia Roberts. Her second book, Committed, explores the bonds of love and marriage.

Happy. Hopeful. It is what it is.

Saw this post "I think im afraid to be happy because whenever you do get too happy, something bad always happens." and I could totally relate.

Now before you judge me or wonder what "terrible" thing could have happened to me, let me explain. I search for the good in people. I will give people the benefit of the doubt yet I'm extremely guarded and won't let anyone too close. It is a defense tactic I've perfected over the years.

I try to see the good in everything. Well, there seems to be a problem. While I'm busy searching for the good, the bad in a situation is still there. When I get my hopes up, reality has a nice way of crashing in on my happy party. So what do I do? I prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

In regards to intimate relationships, I've found that if it appears that it's going to go south, I will check out if the other party appears not to be engaged. I despise being the "fool" in any situation. So for me, I'll notice the change in behavior and I will mentally make plans to prepare myself for change. I believe this has saved me from acting a fool in some relationships. I detach myself and then compartmentalize by giving the other person the "benefit of the doubt" that maybe I wasn't the one for him. I've often wanted my partner in the past to work just as hard for me as I put in the relationship. And when I'm done, I'm done. Alot of my exes don't understand that. They think b/c they've had me once they'll have me again...Sadly mistaken. I have too much pride. However that pride has kept me from making stupid mistakes...yet as I look back, it's probably stopped me from living and allowing myself to "be in my feelings."

Happy...yes, happy is a destination I'd love to be for my entire life. However, I don't know if that's attainable. Now, Joy, joy would be a lifelong commitment. You can find joy in whatever you do...Happy is a state.

Would I love to have a committed, loving partner? Yes. Would I still love my freedom and space? Yes. Would I love someone to move at my pace? Yes. But I want it to be right. And judging from today's standards, that appears to be non-existent. The reason why I say that is everyone is soo fast paced. I'm guilty of it too though. When I see something I want, it becomes my main focus. I work my butt off to get where I want to be. There are alot of times that I don't get there but I get somewhere else....I've learned to thank God b/c it's clearly where I need to be.

But the more and more I think about it, if I was in a relationship, would I be ready for that commitment? I don't even know....I'd have to compromise. I'd have to commit to someone else besides my son and myself. I'd have to make life changes to include someone else. Is it as easy as some make it seem? But you know what I hate? Having something that appears real on the outside yet is fake on the inside. I've been told that I'm too honest. But I hate the games. I hate the "dating dance" where you meet each others' representative and then two step into the real person you are when feelings have already been established.

But are the people who appear happy on the outside but crying on the inside any closer to this special state of Happy? Think about it....they may. They have the partner/job/life and they are "faking it until they make it." What about us that can't find or don't have what we want and constantly roam in search of it?

So why is it hard to be "happy" when you fear the let down? Why doesn't our brain tell us that it'll be ok? Why don't we realize that the "hurt" is just as temporary as the "happy"? Whew....maybe if we realized that the "hurt" was just as temporary as the "happy" we'd hope more or focus on having a joyful life....Maybe....

Own who you are...don't make excuses

Once again, my son has taught me a very important lesson of myself. I review his behavior report for the week and I see that he's been talking excessively. Talking so much that he's going to get moved.

I ask "Dash, what was so important that you've had to talk ALL week? Bc on Friday, you were talking alot."

He replies (rather quickly), "It wasn't me. The other kids were talking to me."

Pause...Does this child really think I'm a fool? Count to 5..."Dash, how do YOU get moved bc someone is talking to YOU?"

Dash replies, "I don't know but I do know that they were talking to me and I told them to be quiet."

What I've found out about myself is that I despise when someone consistently plays the victim card. I despise it so much so that I won't allow myself to be vulnerable. Although that could be a good thing, it's more of a bad thing.

It's extremely hard for me to be in a relationship b/c I won't allow myself to ever relax and be vulnerable. I'm on guard at all times. I'm always preparing for "what MAY happen" or what do in case the worst possible thing happens. Not healthy.

Another thing of mine is I'm a giver. You think that's a good thing you say? Yes, I agree...until you are so focused on others so that you don't have to focus on yourself. I consistently inconvenience myself to convenience others. I often feel guilty if I'm not doing something for someone. I've missed out on some extraordinary things b/c of my "self created obligation" to others.

Oh yes, and let's not forget that I'm the "Planner"...sounds great, huh? Yes, you know where I'm going with this. It could be a great thing IF I didn't plan everything down to the last detail. Who besides me has their entire life planned out? LOL and I would actually get pissed if it didn't go the way I planned it....FYI, it never has.

Here recently, I've had to take a long, hard look at myself. I recently asked a question on FB "I wonder how others really view me?" Thank God for good friends who confirmed alot of what I was feeling. Thank God for good friends that straight up told me "T, you don't have to be perfect, we'll love you no matter what. You need to loosen up, act out more on faith than worry. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. I've noticed you're your hardest critic. You are the only one in your way. You need to change your reality."

So for the past few weeks, God has allowed those who I love and respect to come to me in love and have these discussions. It wasn't too hard to take it in b/c I'd already been dealing with these thoughts....take that back....it was hard! LOL. I like to have my ish "together" and to find out that while I thought I was, it was clearly apparent to all who loved me, I didn't.

I don't think I'm a bad person nor do they. But I am a person...one who has room for improvement. So for the past few weeks, I've been trying to change my reality or my view on life. I've had to tell myself that I deserve all the good things that I tell others they deserve. I've given myself permission not to beat myself up when I make a mistake. I've given myself permission not to be perfect. I'm still working on the being vulnerable part. I'm very analytical, truthfully, I over analyze. So I've been trying not to over-analyze everything. I know that this one will probably take a little bit longer. The other thing I've realized is that even if I get some of these things down, there may be a time that I miss the mark. I believe that with time, I'll be able to shed these issues and move on. I know it won't be easy but it's worth it.

But it's not just worth it to me. It's worth it to my son. He needs to see that we have to own who we are yet not make excuses and work towards truly being better. I'd like for him to see me in a successful relationship. I'd like him to see me not worry and over-analyze everything. I'd like for him to see that I am a giving person but I know how to give to myself and take care of me. I want him to see me living life and not planning for emergencies that probably won't happen.

But most of all, I want me to see me do all of this. I want to know that I am as awesome as my friends think I am. Plus, I want that special someone to understand that I'm not pushing him away b/c of past issues. I don't want to run from who I am yet I want to walk in better shoes. When one of my friends told me to "change my reality", it struck a nerve. I can't be like my son and blame everyone for the hurt they've caused me. I can't blame past lovers, friends and family for the disappointments that they've caused me. I can't blame not having the security or stability I crave growing up for the over zealous person I am now. I can't blame what went wrong in the past for not letting me have what's right in my present and future. I can't beat myself up over mistakes that I've made and tell myself that I don't deserve something better. I can't continue it....matter of fact, I won't do it.

So yes, it's a little scary but it's a healthy fear. It's that fear mixed with the excitement of something new. So I've made up my mind. I'm going to live a little more and plan a little bit less, I'm going to be more open to love and being vulnerable to someone else. I'm going to trust more and let my guard down. I'm going to invest in the right people b/c if I do, then I won't have to deal with my current reality that everyone will hurt and disappoint you. I've decided to change my reality. I've decided that I deserve better and to quit being the person to hold myself back. I decided that I change my reality today...thru thought, actions and deeds. No more holding onto a past that isn't going to be the definition of my future.

Peace and Blessings,

Pretty Platinum Wings......

He is...

He is that passion behind the purpose that fuels my fire. He is that fresh breath of air in a polluted and over-populated, bustlin' city. He is that comfort that I find when my mind is racing with anxiety. He is that strong arm used to hold me and shield me from the weight that I carry.

You see, he is that "Perfected List" of a man I've made. He is that cool sip of lemonade on a hot summer day. He knows how to touch me and when to touch me and where to touch me without even physically touching me. He is that man that believes I'm the supermodel with my hair wrapped late at night. He is that best friend who talks me through the highs and lows of my life.

He is that lover that I need and the one I've desired and wanted. He is that intimate dwelling. He brings forth love inside of me that I never knew could even reside in me. He makes me want to question how I could even love before. He is so loving and delicate with my feelings and heart yet so strong and passionate....He is that one who has that "whip appeal." The way he moans my name and touches my skin and sets it to flames...whew, that man right there....He is....

He is.....well, he is.....oh snap, he is....

He is the fragment of a sentence b/c I will never have a complete thought of what he is. You see if I had a complete thought, I'd box him into one thing and he's never just been one thing. He is a complete thought of something that I can't formulate at the time b/c for each time, he's been a something different bc what I need isn't going to be consistent. So he takes on that fragment sentence of "He Is..." You see, whatever I fill in the blanks, HE IS....