Let's see....
Have you ever been hurt that the blur of your tears offered no solace for the breaking of your heart? They say that you can only feel pain in one area...I disagree. When my heart broke, my mind and logic hurt as well. And if we are being completely honest, my soul cried out louder than the sound of my breaking heart.
You ever look into the eyes of someone you truly loved with all your being and know with all your intellect that they were lying to you while hoping in your heart you could find an excuse to say they are telling the truth?
You ever wonder what "that life" would have been like?
You ever look at your life and feel like a humongous failure? Did you ever look at your life and wonder how you got there? Did you retrace your steps and feel lost on how someone once so driven and ambitious could feel like a loser?
You ever feel like you can't be where you should be in life? You ever
feel like you have all these good intentions but they don't land you
where you dream you should be?
Have you ever tried to be a "good and open" person just to be used by someone who you believed wouldn't hurt you or use you?
Have you ever had to go hungry? Ever been without? Ever lost a job? Ever lost a best friend, lover or family member?
You ever look at your body and hate that despite your efforts, you just can't get that look you want?
You ever see that guy/girl you want so bad and have that opportunity with them only to find out that they don't want you like that? You ever just want to be with someone b/c you are tired of being alone? Tired of being lonely and upset about the ones that do approach you?
What was YOUR lowest point?
In my deepest of hurts, I felt alone. I felt lonely and I felt hurt. I felt cheated. I felt like screaming "Why me?!!!!?!!!" while carrying a smile and putting on my brave big girl face. I have felt like having a breakdown but get a call from a friend who is hurting so I wiped my tears and scheduled my breakdown for another time.
I've been the superwoman. I've been the friend/lover/partner that everyone could rely on. But, there were times that I wondered who would motivate me while I've been busy motivating and encouraging others. Who would be my oasis while I provide that solace to those close to me. Who would be there for me and allow me to be vulnerable? Intimate? Open? Trusting? Who?
And for a while, I tried to fill this void with who I was in love with. I tried to make one person be my oasis. But, one thing I had to learn is that people will disappoint you. Not always because they want to but just because, they can't be everything you need or want. They probably have their own issues. Or maybe in this wonderful age of technology, the call didn't go thru and they didn't know you were crying out. Whatever it is, as humans, we are not perfect.
This year I've decided to walk closer in my spiritual relationship with God. Am I perfect? Nope. Do I still mess up? Yes, daily. But I get up every day and I try again and again. And for someone who always desired to be Miss Perfect, that's a big step for me.
I don't have all the answers and for once in my life, I'm not searching for all of them. The past few months for me have been some of the most trying months of my life. But one thing that I finally started to believe in and rely on was my faith. I've always believed in faith but I've actually had to "activate my faith" as most would say. It became more than a thought or words that you just merely say...it became an action and a guide for my life. I'm thankful for my relationship with God. I'm thankful that in my darkest hours of my life, I have someone to turn to...Someone who will just listen to me cry late at night. Someone who won't judge me for smiling during the day and crying when I'm alone. I'm thankful for the comfort I receive. I'm thankful.
And because I'm thankful and realize that I now have to take steps into the right direction, I've decided that I have to make some adult decisions. I have to not only believe I deserve better in all areas of my life...but i have to DO better in all areas of my life. And, for this journey...I'm ready. I'm excited. I'm at peace (for the first time in my life).
So, I can't promise that my journey that I share with you will be on the straight and narrow. I have to be me. But I do promise that it will be an open and transparent journey. I will share who I truly am because I believe in being yourself. I believe that my walk with God may at times, be the only Bible that some see...on my bad days, I cringe at the thought. Mostly because I know He's not done with me and I don't ever want someone to view me as hypocritical or judge me or wait to see me fail and fall. I don't want to be that Christian who you hear cuss and then say "Christians are hypocrites and bad people." But on my good days, I smile that I may be the only Bible that some have. That maybe, they see that God loves them for who they are, where they are and for what they are. He's more in love with you how you are today because He knows the plans He has for you. And those plans are never for failure but for hope and a future. (My fav verse Jeremiah 29:11).
So be patient with me. Understand that I am someone who hates to be vulnerable to anyone. I hate to make mistakes. I hate to feel that I'm inferior or have to rely on someone and not be able to get it myself. But know that I love learning about new things and people. Once I open up to you, I'm one of the most loving and caring people you can have on your side. I love being loyal and spending time with those who I love. I love to hear people laugh and smile. I love being that sign of hope for someone else. Know that I am not close to perfect but understand I want to do better in all areas of my life. And while I would love to do better in ALL areas all at once, it probably won't happen that way. So while you may believe that I haven't changed, it may be that I'm changing in another area...And maybe my change is none of your business or concern. The one I'm changing for KNOWS my areas of improvement and won't judge me.
