Life Lessons....

It's easier for me to believe in it for you than it is me. it's easier for me to see your dream come true rather than believe mine will. I don't know why. maybe after all the hurt and disappointment, I still have faith in God but not in myself. maybe b/c I know all the things I've done....good and not so good. maybe it's because I'm overly critical of myself and because I don't measure up to my own high a** standards I don't feel that I'll ever reach that "aaaaahhhhhhh, I've made it" moment.

I see people in love and think "I want that." Then I remember what I've been thru with this so called "love" thing and shudder at what could possibly happen next. If anyone tries to get close to me at all, I run. Like full fledge run faster than Marion Jones and never look back. I feel this anxiety rise up from the depths of my stomach and travel up to my heart. My heart starts pounding and then in my brain, I formulate every reason why it won't work. I become immobilized with fear at the idea of being that open and transparent with someone again. Again. Not again. I'm a tad bit of a control freak. I like to know it's a safe risk. I need to KNOW and feel with every fiber that I can trust you and be safe....but who can do that? I mean, everyone has ulterior motives.

Ever had someone run amok with your feelings? Huh? Ever look up and say where am I? How could I get so far off from who I was....well, who I thought I was? Then see that person completely manipulate every good virtue that you have? I mean, it's one thing to think it...but when you watch it. Talk about hurtful. It literally is an out of body experience. 

It's hard. You start to make progress and then these feelings come rushing back. At what point have I conquered this? What lesson is God bringing me back for? Well, in my case, I feel like it has to be LESSONS and not A LESSON. 

But....I want to learn. I look at my son and how much faith he has in me. How this child thinks every man would want his mother b/c I'm "so pretty, hot,gorgeous and beautiful....especially with my glittery stuff on my eyes (his description for eyeshadow)." And I think in a way, I've used being his mother as an excuse to avoid love at all costs. I think I've justified that HE is my main responsibility so I don't have time for the emotional work that a relationship brings....OR I've done what I always do: I've opted for the SAFE risk. It's safe to love my son and put all my time and attention with him. He's my son. So I find a reason why it won't work with someone and throw myself into my son, friends and family. 

But this weekend I was kinda smacked in the face. Three friends set me straight. One friend told me I was my own worst relationship critic. Another friend told me I'm doing my usual: over-analyzing and worrying about things that may never happen. And the 3rd friend told me the reason I run from commitment/love and lose interest is b/c I don't give of myself. Gulp...hard to take. 

But the longer I thought about it, they are all right. I believe in others to fall in love and get married. I believe that there is a good guy out there for every woman who wants to be loved. I believe that God didn't design us to be alone, and wants us to have a healthy marriage and friendships. I believe that I am my worst critic and extremely harder on myself than I ever deserve. I believe that I over analyze and worry about things that won't happen. I believe that I've been trying to stop that but I'm not doing such a good job. And when I heard "you need to give of yourself and quit being so selfish" I thought he doesn't know what he's talking about.

I mean, I try to be that friend if you need a ride, I'm there. If you need to vent, I'm there. Even though I personally have my issues with relationship, I've been told I give good relationship advice. I smile and keep the party going when I don't feel like it. I try to encourage my friends....but then again, I give my friends everything but me. This 3rd friend was right. And you want to know how I know he was right? About 4 months ago I had dinner with my friends who have been married for a while. They said "T, we think you're awesome and we've watched you. You don't ever let anyone see how you truly feel. You give us all different pieces of you and think you have to be perfect. We just want you to be you. You don't have to be the life of the party if you don't want to. And we think it's BS that you don't have a great man in your life b/c you are a great woman and friend. We've watched you be "perfect" and we're here to tell you that as your friends, we love you. Exactly how you are. So you don't have to be avoid being you. We don't need a perfect friend. We know you don't want to be vulnerable but that's what you should be able to do with your friends and loved ones."

Talk about confirmation....But for the next two days I've thought "What do I need to do to give of myself?" And it hit me. I really don't need to do anything. My friends know they can count on me to DO whatever they need. But they don't know all parts of me b/c I don't want to BE vulnerable. Each person sees a different side of me, but it's only the side I allow them to see. 

So, how do I give myself is the question I'm still struggling with. I don't think it will magically appear. I think this is part of the lesson God's been dealing with me about: going thru the journey and still being joyful and steadfast and having faith. I need to not worry about what my friends and family's expectations are and worry about my REALISTIC ones. I need to be still and pray to ask God for direction. I need to ask God to heal something He didn't damage - the hurt from past relationships that I shouldn't have even been in. Thankfully, I see His hand in the healing but I have free will and need to do my part. They are all lessons if I don't repeat the same mistakes....let's see how it goes.....