A random post...

Frustrating.

I don’t know the right way to say it and I also don’t even want to censor myself. If I can’t be real with myself, then who can I be real with?

Let me say why it’s frustrating. I know have somewhat of a jaded attitude. Now if you even meet with me, you won’t agree. I’m an optimistic and hopeful romantic. However, the mere thought of falling in love again scares me. Scares me enough to where I’ll logically talk myself out of it. Lucky for me, God hasn’t placed more on me than I can bare in this area and I don’t have any prospects. But I’m torn. I want to date, fall in love and be in a relationship but then I wonder if it’ll all happen like it did last time.

I’m frustrated b/c I made the ultimate no no decision and trusted someone I shouldn’t have. I can’t say he was all bad but he definitely not all good for me. Funny how you realize this AFTER the fact. Probably b/c you have a clear head and heart. I’m frustrated b/c I’m an over-analyzer. So you know I’m sitting here wondering why I kept going despite the signs. It’s frustrating b/c I’m pretty sure I’m the only one over analyzing this situation. I don’t know that for certain, nor do I even care at this point. I’m responsible for me. And I should have made better decisions.

I can’t say I regret it and then I can’t say I don’t regret it. I will say it’s a lesson learned. But now to the big thing I’m frustrated about….what happens next? Yes, I know…life happens. I move on. And I’m glad for that. But how do I stop myself from repeating my mistakes. B/c one thing I’ve noticed about dating, love and relationships is that we tend to repeat our past. We tend to date the same person over and over again…just a different person.

As for me, I like someone with charisma. I mean, isn’t great when your partner can crack you up and light up an entire room? Doesn’t it make you feel proud or even validated that not only you are under his charm but an entire roomful of people are? Even though I wouldn’t admit to it, Charisma definitely on my list of “type of man I want to date” until I read an article yesterday. Damn knowledge…I wanted to pretend ignorance is bliss, although I’ve never been that type. Too nosey.

Charismatic attitude is not a type. It’s not a trait that we should list on our “desirable traits in a man/woman.” I think I’m going to just go with genuine, sincere, honest and funny. I think my list may be too long. I think I do that so I can find a reason to cross potential great guys out b/c I was scared of what a relationship may bring. Charge it to my ex who was intense and drama filled. Charge it to myself where I like to have options and commit only when I’m 100% sure b/c I use this a defense mechanism not to get hurt. Charge it to the young girl who had to be an adult a lot quicker b/c of her mom dying when she was five. Charge it to life. However, you charge it, I’ve decided I’m going make some changes.

I only have these frustrating moments once in a while. And I’m entitled to that. I really believe that the man who finds me who love me and appreciate me. I mean, those who know me know I won’t give him any other choice (smile). But I definitely am grateful for the past with the lessons learned. Because when that great guy (who is not perfect but dang near close – insert another smile here) comes along, I’ll appreciate him. I’ll realize that I’ve seen the other side and when I get the guy who is my match, it’ll push me to work thru the great and not so great times b/c I’ll be thankful for who God brought to me. Plain and simple.

So, I’ll take this frustrating moment. B/c I know right before triumph comes that frustrating, tedious and long journey. This is all part of me going thru the journey to get to the finish line.