Feeling tired? Overwhelmed? Over-stimulated? Confused? Keep reading...

I'm at a place where I feel tired, overwhelmed, over-stimulated and definitely confused. I decided a little while ago that I would finally put all my trust in God. Gasp....LOL, I've been saved for a while but I've been a control freak longer than I've been saved (insert smile). So I was one of those folks who gave God my laundry list at 11:45 pm and expected it done by 5:45 am the next day. I squeeze as much as Earthly possible in one day and at the end of the day/late very late night, I crash. I don't know how I've operated like this for so long but I've made it 29 years. I was considered the one who did things right, the one who was going somewhere, the one everyone was proud of. To push myself, I felt I "owed" it to everyone to not let them down. My mom jokingly referred me to as "Ms Perfect." If 5 friends were having 5 functions in one night, I was there. If I had to work 11 hours and then go to my son's school, I was there. If I needed to volunteer with something, did that. Whatever needed to be done, I did. Plain and simple. Kinda like your "go to" person. We need it done, need it done right and with a smile...hand it to Tiara.

Until recently............I feel like a juggler who's trying to juggle 6 things and you see them in the air. Then you see the look of panic on the juggler's face and now.....wait for it, wait for it.....here it comes crashing down.

I don't feel appreciated. I feel that if I'm not calling my friends or reaching out to them to make an effort, my phone doesn't ring. Before, I've chalked it up to "they're busy and they have a life." But the same could be said about me.

However, a recent incident with a few of my friends had me crying uncontrollably. I'm a giver...to a fault. You want something, I'll give it to you. And I know what it feels like to be alone. So if any of my friends need me, I'm there. I'd give anything for them to be happy. Don't ask me to change...b/c it probably won't happen. So, situation happens. I'm sitting here crying. Did I mention that I'm not the most emotional person. Like, I won't really hug you until I know and trust you? Side note - Trying to do better on that. So, as all this is going on, I have a friend that turns to me and asks what's going on. He said that he could understand me being upset but crying this uncontrollably is out of character for me and something has to be the root of it. I sat there and I realized that I felt so unappreciated..... personally, professionally, intimately. I felt like the atm...everyone is withdrawing but no one was making any deposits.

With all this being said (and yes, I took the long way), it's time that I start being my own motivator and encourager. It's time that I give up the control freak hat and rely on God. I have so many things in the making right now and I'm confused. I'm walking into a new season, one I've never been before. I want to make the right decision. I want the right path. I'm tired. Tired of doing it on my own. And I'd like peace.

I've said that I need God to physically speak to me! LOL, b/c this voice that everyone speaks of....yea, I don't really hear that soft whisper. Maybe b/c I'm talking. Maybe b/c I'm doing something I shouldn't. Either way, I don't hear it. So today I kept feeling anxious. Felt like I needed peace. I was going to go straight to bed b/c I just feel tired....drained. But I decided to get in the shower, hoping it'd clear my mind. I'm in there for a couple of mins and then Psalms 23 comes to mind. I'm like "weird..." but then I start saying "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." Whoa....maybe I can hear God.

Everything I'm dealing with is answered in the 23rd Psalm. I no longer have to worry about it. My needs will be met to where I don't want anymore. He's going to take care of me. He's going to allow me to have rest and restore my soul. I literally could have jumped up for joy.

I don't know what faith/religion you are. But this I do know, in this crazy, crazy world, we need that spiritual balance. We need to have faith and hope and believe in something bigger than us, our problems, and issues. If you're going thru something, I dare you to read Psalms 23. It's not long. I actually read about 5 different versions. I hope that it all works out for you. I hope that you find that peace that you're looking for. And if you're feeling kinda how I was feeling, please have faith and know it gets better. It may not start until next week, but if you've hit rock bottom, the only direction to go is up. Here are some different versions...I hope it helps :-)

Psalms 23 (New Living Translation)
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever.


Psalms 23 (The Message version):
1 God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.2 You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from.3 True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.
4 Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure.
5 You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.
6 Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.

Psalms 23 (New Kings James version):

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Psalms 23 (Good News Translation)
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.2 He lets me rest in fields of green grass
and leads me to quiet pools of fresh water.3 He gives me new strength.
He guides me in the right paths,
as he has promised.4 Even if I go through the deepest darkness,
I will not be afraid, LORD,
for you are with me.
Your shepherd's rod and staff protect me.5 You prepare a banquet for me,
where all my enemies can see me;
you welcome me as an honored guest
and fill my cup to the brim.6 I know that your goodness and love will be with me all my life;
and your house will be my home as long as I live.

Psalms 23 (Amplified version)
1  THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack.2  He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters. 3  He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but] for His name’s sake.4  Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.5  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.6  Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place.

How to be successful at work

Reading Gen 24 and a simple thought hit me: When Abraham called to his servant, the man in charge, and had him take an oath to find his son Isaac a wife, the servant didn’t feel entitled. Abraham put more responsibility on this man in charge of his household who was also his oldest servant. He called the servant in and gave him specific instructions on how he wanted the task of finding Isaac’s wife. He made him promise that he’d get the job done. Other than the servant asking a couple of questions, the servant didn’t complain about the job. The servant did what Abraham told him, put his hand under the thigh of his master and swore to follow Abraham’s “INSTRUCTIONS” (Gen 24:9 NLT).

A lot of times our employers may give us tasks that we don’t understand why we have to do them. We don’t understand why there is a particular way to processing the task. So what do we do? We fight, we grumble, we speak negatively about it, we began searching for another job. Abraham’s servant didn’t do any of these things. He listened to the instructions AND then asked a question. He actually proposed another possible solution and when Abraham said no to it, the servant didn’t get bent out of shape. Hmmmm, interesting thought time. The servant took the rejection of his idea and knew it wasn’t rejection of HIM as a person.

As I allow my spiritual mind to wander, I bet that the servant still felt a sense of pride, value or worth. Isaac was the son that Abraham and Sarah prayed for. The son that they waited YEARS after YEARS for as Abraham was 100 years old when his son was born. So, Isaac was a precious gift. I’d like to imagine that Isaac and Sarah’s faces would light up when Isaac would come into the room. That NOTHING was too good for their son. That the joy he brought them was unexplainable. So this servant knew this was a HUGE task that his master was asking him. The servant also knew when to ask a question and other options as a solution and then when to keep quiet and accept the assignment. Wow, accept the assignment? An assignment with specific instructions? Could we do this? I mean, we all like to add our own spin on things. You can tell me what you want and then let me figure out how to do it. The other interesting thing is that servant was the MOST tenured servant and he still didn’t feel that sense of entitlement; he did what he was told and followed instructions.

The next step was when Abraham’s servant went on the journey to find Isaac’s wife, he PRAYED for success. In Gen 24:12 it says “O LORD, God of my master, Abraham,” he prayed. “Please give me success today, and show unfailing love to my master, Abraham.

The servant prayed for success in his job. He knew that if left to his own, he may not be able to fulfill the requirements of the job. But he took the time BEFORE starting the task to PRAY to God for SUCCESS.  Not complain. Not talk bad about the employer BUT to pray for success.

How many of us pray for success each day before our day starts at work? Do we take that time to say “Lord please give me success today and show unfailing love.”? Or do we pray “Lord, please don’t let anybody at this job work my nerves today.”? Do we pray for the promotion BEFORE we’ve done the work? Or do we realize that with every promotion comes an increase in duties?

The third step that the servant took was to pray for a specific sign. In Gen 24:14 he says: This is my request. I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’—let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.”

The servant had good intentions as his reason for this specific sign was to know that if this sign was met, it would mean that God has shown unfailing love to his master. He didn’t pray for the demise of his master. He prayed that God would send a woman who was giving. I’d like to say, it appears that he took the task personal and prayed as if he was searching for his OWN son. Because we all know, nobody prays for your own (be that kids, spouse, jobs, etc) as greatly as you do.

The other thing I liked about this chapter was that in v16 it mentions that Rebekah was very beautiful and old enough to be married but she was still a virgin. I like this because it’s a reminder that even though the solution to your job assignment isn’t what you pictured, it doesn’t mean that it’s not what God has designed to be the solution for you. Also, on a personal note, even though that man/woman of your dreams doesn’t fit all of YOUR requirements on your checklist, he/she does on God’s.

Next it says that servant watched her in silence, wondering if God had given him success in his mission (v21, NLT). How many of us have watched, SILENTLY, to see if we’ve had success at work. This speaks to my heart because the servant had a task where he obviously hadn’t done this before, so he didn’t quite know what success looked like. And instead of him looking at other servants and defining it, he watched silently, wondering if this is what God has given him. He allowed God to define what “SUCCESS” was. He didn’t look around at the other graduating members of his college to define it. He didn’t allow mainstream to define it. He didn’t even rely on his own definition.

The other thing about this verse (V21, NLT) that stuck to me was the part that says “wondering whether or not the LORD had GIVEN him success in his mission.” Interesting. Why would God give him success? Isn’t success something that you should have to earn? Not if it’s something that you’ve prayed to God for. And especially not if you’ve prayed AND done your part. If you’ve recognized that some things are out of your control and you’ve prayed to God and asked for success, God will give you that. You’ve done all that you needed to do on this journey. God is asking us to surrender our need for control and oru need to define everything so it fits our life. He’s calling and asking us to give it ALL to him. Once we do that, God will give us the desires of our heart – success, love, happiness, peace, joy, etc.

The story goes on to say that the servant found out that Rebekah’s family was Abraham’s family and in verse 27, he praises the Lord. He took the time to thank God right then and there for giving him the success he prayed for. A lot of us miss this praise part. We’ve prayed for a job and when we get it, we’re upset about the way a policy is written so we complain to God about the blessing he gave us that we prayed so hard for.

Then the servant meets with Rebekah’s family and explains his reason for his journey. Rebekah’s family offers him a place to stay and food. And he tells them “I don’t want to eat until I have told you why I have come” (v33 NLT). He then shares his testimony with them. And at the end, he gives Rebekah and her family a choice. He asks “will you or won’t you show unfailing love and faithfulness to my master? Please tell me yes or no, and I’ll know what to do next” (v49, NLT). He didn’t assume, he allowed them to make the choice. Once they told him yes, he praised God again.

A lot of good lessons in this story that apply today. If we are to be good employees, we must learn to accept the mission without complaints or hesitation. We have to pray each day that God will give us success at work that day. Then we have to pray and be specific with God on what goals we need to see come to life or what signs we need to see that we’re on the right path. We need to pray over our jobs and treat it as if it were our own company. We also need to be open…God’s solution may not LOOK like ours, but it will still be the best solution. Then we need to be silent to know that God has given us success. To enjoy the success we’ve been given. Then once God has shown us what success is and that He’s given it to us, we need to PRAISE HIM and give a testimony.

Some random thoughts of a Single Parent

Overwhelmed....

I'm completely stretched to capacity and realizing that this feeling I feel is one of being overwhelmed. When did this happen? I've always been high energy and the type of person who needs a few hours of sleep. But now I sit here and realize that time is slipping away. I realize that I'm tired. I'm drained.

Am I managing my time or allowing time to manage me?

I feel like once I get off work, I'm on the go. I have to take my son to practice, come back home, check homework, listen to him read and then somewhere along there find a way to cook dinner AND clean a house while making sure he gets in the tub, has picked out his clothes, brushed his teeth, say his prayers and actually gets his narrow behind in that bed. I look up and guess what time it is? 10:00 pm.

It's funny to me b/c when people describe me, they say I'm strong. I want to yell "NOOOOOOOOO, I'm just as weak as the next person. I don't want to be strong. There is no rest for the strong. I just want a break." 

Sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I'm sick and tired of trying to save everything. I just want to cuddle up and be held. Just be appreciated for Tiara. Not mom, not friend, not employee, not cousin, not sister. Just me. And as I sit here and type this blog, I've realized that I forgot to call my cousin who wanted to talk to me. *Long sigh*

I was talking to a friend today...and we realized that we needed to work out and get back in shape. Well as we're trying to work out a schedule, I'm like "well, I can't do that time. Nope can't do that time. Well, can't do that time. No, that one won't work either." I want the workouts because I want to get my body back to where I feel it should be. But if I have to cut something to work out, say cooking dinner, that means I have to buy something to eat. And what that means, is increased calories and decreased funds in a checking account. Which if I'm working out to lose weight, then why am I eating out when I know that the typical restaurant carries more calories than Duggars have children....

I've always said the thing I've missed about being married was companionship and the "tag team" parenting. If your spouse sees you need a break, they come take the kids and give you a break. You don't just need a break on the weekends, you need that break on Tues evening at 7:14 after a super long day at work.

I don't feel like I ever have enough time. When I look up, the year is almost over.

Sometimes, it's super hard being a single parent. This little person needs you to provide everything. And what if, what if, you just don't make the right decisions? What if you need a break, take it and that's the ONE time your child needs you? And funny, as I'm writing this, listening to Pandora, Tupac's "Dear Mama" comes on.......*big smile*

It's hard to raise a little boy as a woman. And I don't have the same situation that most women have. My ex husband is stationed in the service and if he could be here to spend more time with his son, he would be. So I don't blame him but I do wonder how I can do this? How can I show this young boy how to be a man while his dad is gone to fight a war? How do I relate to this little boy? How do I talk to him about "manly" things that I obviously have no clue about? More so than TALK, how can I show him? How do I instill in him that a man is a provider and protector? How do I make him believe that he's to be courageous and take risks while maintaining balance to be able to be loving to those around him?

Alot of you have no idea. I don't have a partner to turn to and be like "Am I making the wrong decision? Am being typical me and over-analyzing this situation?" "Can I take this job that may cause me to work later hours but secure more money for our family? Who will watch him and care for him while I'm at work?" "Can I go back to get my master's? Will I miss something important to him? And is my master's really worth time with my son?" The main question is "Is _____________________ worth me losing time with my son?"

But I get up everyday to do the best I can do. I get up and pray to God that He'll direct my path with my son. All I can do is pray that God be that stand in father while my son's father is out of the country serving in our military. Just ask God to comfort my son in the times that he feels he's not a priority and tell him that he is the ONLY person that matters and I'd give my life to give him a better life. (And yes, I'm sitting here crying.) Just let God tell him that I did as best as I could. And tell him I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with his father and I, but we gave him two homes that could love him and showed him that we could still be friends and civil and coparent together to make sure he's a great person. Tell him that I'm sorry that he wants his mama to be married and have more kids, that I'm sorry I haven't found "The One" to give him that family. Tell him that our family is just as good as those books that show the mom and dad in the same house. Tell him that the love that I have for him is enough and that I'm his biggest cheerleader.

I guess as a single parent, at some point you have to have enough sense to let go and let God. Look at God and just bring it to him and tell him that you've done what He's asked and that He protect this child, His child. At some point, you have to stop worrying. None of us grew up in the perfect home. And yet, we still have productive, good people in this world. And that, along with God's promises gives me hope.

Tired

So here I am. Wondering. Waiting. Growing. Stagnant. Bored. Desiring more but falling short. I'm tired.

I'm a planner and guess what? This isn't what I planned. How did I fall short of all the expectations I gave myself?

I'm tired. Not sleepy tired but just "you take the wheel and run the show b/c I wanna tap out." I want to sit out and say "I'm done." What is the point of trying and trying yet never moving forward the way you imagined?

I hold myself to these standards and expectations. I put goals in my life and then I see life go in the opposite direction. WHAT is the point? How about I live a miniscule life?

Or better yet, why do I do the fair and right thing? Why? Who else is doing it? Who else is doing it and being prosperous? If life isn't fair, why do I have to be?

All these and fifty million more questions flow thru my mind. I'm just at that point. That point where I can encourage myself to move on or I can just sit here. Who motivates the motivator? Who encourages the one who brings encouragement? I feel tired. I feel empty and I feel like no matter what I do, I won't get where I want to be.

As the tears start to flow, I can't stop typing so for this very moment I'll use this blog as my journal.

My son and I ate dinner today and I looked across and saw a happy couple with teenage kids. And I immediately felt sad. Where is my partner in life? I admit, I wasn't planning that I'd never have that. I have just thought if I do the right things and be myself that someone will appreciate it. I always say "I'm difficult, I'm complicated and I over analyze but I'm loveable." Maybe I'm not. Maybe as desired as I was, maybe I'm not the desired one anyone. Could be. I work with what I'm given. But how do you work with it if there isn't the selection? The first time I wanted to cry is when I saw that couple and that moment flashed before my eyes that said "you won't ever have that with anyone." Whew. That's scary. But then again, it's a reality. I'm the "homegirl" and I'm perfectly fine with that role...most of the time. I don't want a man that'll sleep with any and everyone and do foul things and then come home to me. I want someone genuine and real and loving and faithful. But then I'm told my expectations are too high. I don't know on this one and quite frankly, I'm tired of even discussing it. I make the effort as best I can but maybe I'm not there b/c of my past. I'll work on it but why is that no one can see my potential when I always see the potential in others?

And then there is the job.....Damn, I wanted a career. I did what was right. I went to college. Started working for a name brand company. Ethical decisions. I did what was right. Tried to move around to make myself marketable. Now I'm at another name brand company. And it looks even more dismal. LOL. I've always been known to make the most logical and responsible and sound decisions. However, this job situation is looking like a reckless prostitute who will sell anything just to get ahead. I'm not at that level but aren't we all? Don't we hold back our opinions just to avoid being labeled as the "trouble-maker" or "complainer"? I thought I'd be a CEO or director by this time in my life. I thought I'd have a career. I have a job and thank God it's more than some have.

Intimacy. That's what I don't have. And I miss it more than ever. I had it once upon a time with someone. Funny, b/c I miss it but I don't miss the situation. I miss who I thought he was b/c that's exactly what I wanted in life. I miss being able to share and confide in someone and have them speak great things and encourage me. I miss being able to have that feeling of "you get me. you really really get me and understand me." I get that I'm different but it's hard. I want to feel close to someone. I want to feel like if no one else in this whole wide world doesn't get me, you get me. I want that feeling that Alicia Keys talks about "nothin in this whole wide world don't mean a thing if I ain't got ya" When does that come? When will I feel like I matter to someone and I'm a priority to them?

When will I excel in my professional life? When will I have that person that thinks I'm great?

Or is it not what I'm called to have?