Tired

So here I am. Wondering. Waiting. Growing. Stagnant. Bored. Desiring more but falling short. I'm tired.

I'm a planner and guess what? This isn't what I planned. How did I fall short of all the expectations I gave myself?

I'm tired. Not sleepy tired but just "you take the wheel and run the show b/c I wanna tap out." I want to sit out and say "I'm done." What is the point of trying and trying yet never moving forward the way you imagined?

I hold myself to these standards and expectations. I put goals in my life and then I see life go in the opposite direction. WHAT is the point? How about I live a miniscule life?

Or better yet, why do I do the fair and right thing? Why? Who else is doing it? Who else is doing it and being prosperous? If life isn't fair, why do I have to be?

All these and fifty million more questions flow thru my mind. I'm just at that point. That point where I can encourage myself to move on or I can just sit here. Who motivates the motivator? Who encourages the one who brings encouragement? I feel tired. I feel empty and I feel like no matter what I do, I won't get where I want to be.

As the tears start to flow, I can't stop typing so for this very moment I'll use this blog as my journal.

My son and I ate dinner today and I looked across and saw a happy couple with teenage kids. And I immediately felt sad. Where is my partner in life? I admit, I wasn't planning that I'd never have that. I have just thought if I do the right things and be myself that someone will appreciate it. I always say "I'm difficult, I'm complicated and I over analyze but I'm loveable." Maybe I'm not. Maybe as desired as I was, maybe I'm not the desired one anyone. Could be. I work with what I'm given. But how do you work with it if there isn't the selection? The first time I wanted to cry is when I saw that couple and that moment flashed before my eyes that said "you won't ever have that with anyone." Whew. That's scary. But then again, it's a reality. I'm the "homegirl" and I'm perfectly fine with that role...most of the time. I don't want a man that'll sleep with any and everyone and do foul things and then come home to me. I want someone genuine and real and loving and faithful. But then I'm told my expectations are too high. I don't know on this one and quite frankly, I'm tired of even discussing it. I make the effort as best I can but maybe I'm not there b/c of my past. I'll work on it but why is that no one can see my potential when I always see the potential in others?

And then there is the job.....Damn, I wanted a career. I did what was right. I went to college. Started working for a name brand company. Ethical decisions. I did what was right. Tried to move around to make myself marketable. Now I'm at another name brand company. And it looks even more dismal. LOL. I've always been known to make the most logical and responsible and sound decisions. However, this job situation is looking like a reckless prostitute who will sell anything just to get ahead. I'm not at that level but aren't we all? Don't we hold back our opinions just to avoid being labeled as the "trouble-maker" or "complainer"? I thought I'd be a CEO or director by this time in my life. I thought I'd have a career. I have a job and thank God it's more than some have.

Intimacy. That's what I don't have. And I miss it more than ever. I had it once upon a time with someone. Funny, b/c I miss it but I don't miss the situation. I miss who I thought he was b/c that's exactly what I wanted in life. I miss being able to share and confide in someone and have them speak great things and encourage me. I miss being able to have that feeling of "you get me. you really really get me and understand me." I get that I'm different but it's hard. I want to feel close to someone. I want to feel like if no one else in this whole wide world doesn't get me, you get me. I want that feeling that Alicia Keys talks about "nothin in this whole wide world don't mean a thing if I ain't got ya" When does that come? When will I feel like I matter to someone and I'm a priority to them?

When will I excel in my professional life? When will I have that person that thinks I'm great?

Or is it not what I'm called to have?