Overwhelmed....
I'm completely stretched to capacity and realizing that this feeling I feel is one of being overwhelmed. When did this happen? I've always been high energy and the type of person who needs a few hours of sleep. But now I sit here and realize that time is slipping away. I realize that I'm tired. I'm drained.
Am I managing my time or allowing time to manage me?
I feel like once I get off work, I'm on the go. I have to take my son to practice, come back home, check homework, listen to him read and then somewhere along there find a way to cook dinner AND clean a house while making sure he gets in the tub, has picked out his clothes, brushed his teeth, say his prayers and actually gets his narrow behind in that bed. I look up and guess what time it is? 10:00 pm.
It's funny to me b/c when people describe me, they say I'm strong. I want to yell "NOOOOOOOOO, I'm just as weak as the next person. I don't want to be strong. There is no rest for the strong. I just want a break."
Sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I'm sick and tired of trying to save everything. I just want to cuddle up and be held. Just be appreciated for Tiara. Not mom, not friend, not employee, not cousin, not sister. Just me. And as I sit here and type this blog, I've realized that I forgot to call my cousin who wanted to talk to me. *Long sigh*
I was talking to a friend today...and we realized that we needed to work out and get back in shape. Well as we're trying to work out a schedule, I'm like "well, I can't do that time. Nope can't do that time. Well, can't do that time. No, that one won't work either." I want the workouts because I want to get my body back to where I feel it should be. But if I have to cut something to work out, say cooking dinner, that means I have to buy something to eat. And what that means, is increased calories and decreased funds in a checking account. Which if I'm working out to lose weight, then why am I eating out when I know that the typical restaurant carries more calories than Duggars have children....
I've always said the thing I've missed about being married was companionship and the "tag team" parenting. If your spouse sees you need a break, they come take the kids and give you a break. You don't just need a break on the weekends, you need that break on Tues evening at 7:14 after a super long day at work.
I don't feel like I ever have enough time. When I look up, the year is almost over.
Sometimes, it's super hard being a single parent. This little person needs you to provide everything. And what if, what if, you just don't make the right decisions? What if you need a break, take it and that's the ONE time your child needs you? And funny, as I'm writing this, listening to Pandora, Tupac's "Dear Mama" comes on.......*big smile*
It's hard to raise a little boy as a woman. And I don't have the same situation that most women have. My ex husband is stationed in the service and if he could be here to spend more time with his son, he would be. So I don't blame him but I do wonder how I can do this? How can I show this young boy how to be a man while his dad is gone to fight a war? How do I relate to this little boy? How do I talk to him about "manly" things that I obviously have no clue about? More so than TALK, how can I show him? How do I instill in him that a man is a provider and protector? How do I make him believe that he's to be courageous and take risks while maintaining balance to be able to be loving to those around him?
Alot of you have no idea. I don't have a partner to turn to and be like "Am I making the wrong decision? Am being typical me and over-analyzing this situation?" "Can I take this job that may cause me to work later hours but secure more money for our family? Who will watch him and care for him while I'm at work?" "Can I go back to get my master's? Will I miss something important to him? And is my master's really worth time with my son?" The main question is "Is _____________________ worth me losing time with my son?"
But I get up everyday to do the best I can do. I get up and pray to God that He'll direct my path with my son. All I can do is pray that God be that stand in father while my son's father is out of the country serving in our military. Just ask God to comfort my son in the times that he feels he's not a priority and tell him that he is the ONLY person that matters and I'd give my life to give him a better life. (And yes, I'm sitting here crying.) Just let God tell him that I did as best as I could. And tell him I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with his father and I, but we gave him two homes that could love him and showed him that we could still be friends and civil and coparent together to make sure he's a great person. Tell him that I'm sorry that he wants his mama to be married and have more kids, that I'm sorry I haven't found "The One" to give him that family. Tell him that our family is just as good as those books that show the mom and dad in the same house. Tell him that the love that I have for him is enough and that I'm his biggest cheerleader.
I guess as a single parent, at some point you have to have enough sense to let go and let God. Look at God and just bring it to him and tell him that you've done what He's asked and that He protect this child, His child. At some point, you have to stop worrying. None of us grew up in the perfect home. And yet, we still have productive, good people in this world. And that, along with God's promises gives me hope.
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