Good bye

Good bye.
Good bye Lover.
I've realized that I'm not designed for THIS. I've realized that I was designed for greater. I've realized that the lies you've fabricated were often covered with fleeting moments of laughter, sparkly gifts and broken, never fulfilled promises of a better moment to come.

You've meant me no good. You've told me that there is nothing I can do to make you love me because the reason you love me is what you can do for me. An elaborate answer to say "I control this love."

Every ounce of love you had was conditional. And to think you were the first glimpse I had into what falling in love was like.

I see I'll have to redefine my definition you so manipulatively whispered as sweet nothings into my ear. Sweet nothings. That's exactly what I was given. When you look at the big picture, it was nothing but at the moment it was sweet. Bittersweet sweet nothings.

Good bye.
Good bye Lover.

To explain all the damage you've caused, it'd take more than this pen and paper. It'd take triple the time I spent with you. To explain all the vulnerabilities you exploited would require you to have been genuine in your declaration to love me.

You weren't. And maybe that's what hurts. Maybe that is what makes me feel numb. The entire time I worked to make myself better. I worked to be what I was looking for. I worked to be what YOU were looking for. I worked to ease your hurts and provide a nonjudgmental loft where you could be you. No questions asked. No answers required. Just honesty. Just peace and love.

Love is patient and kind. But you were not....only wanted me to do what you wanted. You were kind initially but as situations presented themselves, your anger and resentment grew.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. But you were. You boasted on what you did for me. You ridiculed me for thinking you were against me when you claimed to be the only one there for me. Your pride caused so many hurt moments and lonely nights.

It does not demand its own way. Your way was the only right way to you. Your way was the only way we could make it and yet.....here we are. Separated. Non-existent.

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. You were irritable and in your book, I had the longest record of what I did wrong.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

So everything I've been taught what "love" is, you are not. You were not. You have not. You will not. You did not. Funny, I was taught what love was but allowed you to redefine it.

I thought that I was special to you. I thought that I actually meant more than what I thought I meant to you. I believed you. I guess this was one of those times I take the loss.

Goodbye.
Goodbye Lover.

When does this stop?

So when does THIS stop? When?

At what point do you understand what I'm saying?

I feel that I've done the right thing....yet you continue to find another way to hurt me. Say something mean. Do something to be a jerk.

The biggest problem you have is that you now see my actions match my words. I don't wish you any harm. I just want to go on with my life. I don't care who's right or wrong. Choices were made and I did what I needed to do to survive.

But....why is that wrong? How is that any different than what you do...or have been doing? Is it unfair b/c I realize that since you aren't the one for me, I should leave and be available for that one?

Or would you like me to remain on this rollercoaster ride? Pretending I'm having a blast? Screaming....not from pure joy but pure terror.

When does it stop?

I've avoided hurting you as much as possible...yet, I'm punished for walking away. I'm thought of to be the worst person in the world. You find a reason to wedge yourself in my life.

But this time, I won't apologize for my decision. I left b/c I had to lose myself to love you and now I have to lose you to love myself. Your definition of love is dysfunction and a vicious cycle of super highs and super lows.

No matter what you think or say about me, you're upset that I left. I understand that. But if you won't give me what I want, why should I continue to stay so you can have your cake and eat it too?

I'm more than a person to be used at your disposal. I'm more than some woman that you've molded to love you, treat you, talk to you the way you want. I'm more than what you've given me credit for. I'm this great person when you're happy with me and then I'm this negative, pessimistic person when you're pissed at me....so what is it?

Never mind, don't bother answering...b/c I've discovered who I am.

I don't need you to validate me. I don't need you to encourage me. I don't need to listen to you for direction.

I've found what I needed within me. Thank you for the good times and memories. Thank you for the bad times b/c they have shown me that it's not what I want in my life.

I don't deserve what you did....but I needed it to see who you really are. I see who you really are. And that is what I'm going to believe. Because you have consistently been inconsistent.

So with all that being said....let me live my life in peace. If you aren't adding value to my life, please keep yourself from me. I stay in my lane, why can't you stay in yours?

I never thought you'd ever do what you did...never thought you'd turn out to be this monster....I never thought....and that probably broke my heart more than anything else....

Today is the day I decided to get off the "Roller Coaster"

What is the name of your roller coaster? by Tanya Martin

A good friend of mine, Robin May wrote this and it blessed me tremendously, so I wanted to share it with you all. You can also read her other posts at   http://virtuespeaks.wordpress.com/author/virtuespeaks/

Many years ago while at Six Flags I realized something.  I was getting off of one of the roller coasters and I realized that being on roller coasters was no longer fun for me. 

I know.  It sounds odd. 

But I literally stepped off of some ride at Six Flags and I realized that the ride wasn’t fun to me anymore.  The sliding from side to side, the jerking from front to back, the feeling of losing control…all of the things that I had just experienced on that ride was not what I called a good time. And I haven’t gotten on a roller coaster since.

During that same time in my life there was a lot going on in my romantic relationship.  Lee and I had been dating for a while and it seemed that our relationship was a lot like that roller coaster ride.  We’d have unhealthy ups and downs. Not simply the normal cycle that happens in relationships, but this was way more unstable.  I would feel pulled towards him and then pushed away.  I felt like I never knew what to expect when it came to the status of our relationship.  And so around the same time that I realized that I didn’t like the roller coasters at Six Flags, I realized that the romantic roller coaster wasn’t doing it for me either. And that crazy pattern had been going on for many years and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

And so, we broke up.

Most of you know how the story went from there and even if you don’t, at the very least you know we ended up married and have been now for almost 10 years. But marriage didn’t come until we both were more emotionally healthy and mature.  Well. At least I hope we are…! Lol.

But seriously, I learned a valuable lesson during that season of my life. I learned that my life does not have to be unpredictable all the time.  Yes, life does throw us curve balls.  And yes there are times when things happen that we don’t expect.

But if you are like me, you have found yourself confused…overwhelmed…frustrated…emotionally drained and exhausted not simply because of ‘life’ but because of a particular person or situation that you have given full access to your life.

And just like I did many years ago…many of us today…right now…need to decide that we no longer enjoy the drama that comes from an emotional or psychological roller coaster.

As a matter of fact.  I want you to think of a situation right now where you find yourself going from one extreme to the next.  Your emotions are all over the place. This situation triggers feelings of uncertainty consistently.  One week you are happy and the next week you are sad.  One day you are secure and the next day you are scared.  One minute you have clarity and the next moment you are confused.  

Now I want you to answer these questions: 

*  How do you contribute to that chaos in your life? 

*  What can you do differently to decrease the uncertainty and the instability? 

*  What part of the situation do you have the power to control? What is beyond your control?

*  What do you need to let go of in order to fully experience peace regardless if your situation changes or not?

I don’t know what the name of your Roller Coaster is.  Maybe it’s the The Dragster. The Millennium Force. The Goliath. The Voyage or The cyclone.

Maybe your Roller Coaster is the name of your significant other, your ex, your child  or the name of your Company.

I don’t know the name of your Roller Coaster.  But I do know that it is so easy to blame a person or a situation, but the truth is no one can make you ride a roller coaster.  You choose to sit down, put on your seat buckle and go for the ride.

And if you have decided that you are no longer enjoying the ride, it’s up to you to decide what you are going to do about it.

Now. That doesn’t mean you have to get rid of that person, that job or that situation all together.  But what it does mean is that only you can determine what your experience is within that situation.  And if you don’t like what you have been experiencing, decide what you need to do to have a different one.

And can I be honest?  If any of this applies to you, you are not alone.  I have a couple of “Roller Coasters” in my life right now.  And I am committing be quiet enough to decide what I need to do differently to have the experience that I believe I am supposed to have in my particular situations. 

 Will you join me?  Will you take some time to see what you need to do differently? I think it’ll be well worth your time. And once we have our answers…I’ll meet you at Six Flags.

But I’m still not riding any of the Roller Coasters.

 ^“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” – James 1:5-9