Do I Know What I Want?

In life we've had these "dreams" and we often feel that if we make it "There" then it will be just what we want. Is the destination of the journey the SOLE benefit of what we want?

In each stage of my life, I've wanted different "things." At 15 years old, I couldn't wait to go to college so I could graduate and become a successful CEO who was able to hop on a plane and travel at a moment's notice. I wanted to fly and see the world. (And I still do). I wanted to enjoy every moment and thrill with the life I'd mapped out in my head. Yep.....I'd go to college, graduate and become CEO. Then at 25 I'd meet and fall in love with the man of dreams. Yea, not sure that I didn't realize that on your 25th birthday, you don't get a delivery of the Ideal Man to your CEO doorstep. Then we'd marry by the time I was 27 and have our first child by 30. I'd only have 3 kids. I mean....to be the hot wife, soccer mom, and uber successful CEO, three kids would be nothing to a superwoman like me.....But, life happened.

Got to college and had my first heartbreak. Whoa....didn't see that coming. But, I bounce back quick....or so I thought. Met my son's father, got pregnant, married and had the biggest blessing I've ever been blessed with. But the entire time, I felt ashamed. I didn't celebrate my pregnancy. You know why? Because it didn't come "as I had planned it." What I WISH someone had told me was, "Snap out of it. This child will be the best blessing ever. Enjoy every second." Instead I worried. I could write a blog of all the worries I had while pregnant. LOL. Which was time wasted. Mental note for those reading this....worrying IS time wasted. So fast forward....I have this "family" that came a little ahead of schedule but I can still be great. Then I get hit with that 2nd heartbreak. Life goes on and a few years later, I'm single again.

Success in my 20's (after having my son, after my marriage ended and I'm a single mom) still included me being a CEO. LOL, I laugh because I had NO idea what it was going to take to raise a little munchkin. I worked. I spent time with the munchkin. I went out and would dance the night away. I was Miss Social Butterfly. Miss Life of the Party. You see, I don't require alot of sleep. So I could spend time with my son, have a social life and work. However, towards the end of my 20's I realized that I had wasted time by just spinning my wheels. I was merely existing.

Entered my 30's and had my 3rd heartbreak. Devastating. I don't usually open up intimately or make myself vulnerable to everyone so when I do, it's heartbreaking when that trust is destroyed and I'm hurt. Yep, superwoman T is just like anyone else. However, out of that heartbreak was an unexpected blessing....I began to learn who I was and who I was evolving into. I'm 32 now and I'm STILL learning and there are some areas that I'm growing to be comfortable with. But success in my 30's consists of being an amazing mom who prepares that 10 year old munchkin to be an amazing young man, being a good person who is comfortable with herself, stop being so hard on myself, do what I know in my heart is right by me and my Creator, work hard to create a legacy and a healthy financial honey pot to enjoy, and to enjoy every single freakin day of my life.

Things I learned that have now become my truth: I cannot plan it all so I make plans, pray about it and move when I need to. I have a choice about my day and that choice is my attitude. I do not have to make changes to who I am just because I haven't "perfected" an area. Saying no is a good time when it's the right time. As much as it doesn't seem to love me back, I love love. But now, I want to go about it a different way. I don't have to answer to anyone but God....because no one else's opinions, advice, approval/disapproval has paid a single bill in my house.

My vision of success has evolved as I've matured (**cough cough** or shall we say "aged"). I have always been the person who LOVED goals. I loved to set them and accomplish them. Now.....all that in between stuff that's the process or journey....yea, ya'll can keep that. However, what I have learned is that "in between stuff" is what makes our life. Sure, we remember the highs and lows but what gets us there is the day to day.

So, do I know what I want? I have an idea but I will not limit myself ever again by making a list of what I want. Because if I make that list and I search for it, I will never find it. But.....what if something better finds me while I'm busy comparing that better to my list?