Happy. Hopeful. It is what it is.

Saw this post "I think im afraid to be happy because whenever you do get too happy, something bad always happens." and I could totally relate.

Now before you judge me or wonder what "terrible" thing could have happened to me, let me explain. I search for the good in people. I will give people the benefit of the doubt yet I'm extremely guarded and won't let anyone too close. It is a defense tactic I've perfected over the years.

I try to see the good in everything. Well, there seems to be a problem. While I'm busy searching for the good, the bad in a situation is still there. When I get my hopes up, reality has a nice way of crashing in on my happy party. So what do I do? I prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

In regards to intimate relationships, I've found that if it appears that it's going to go south, I will check out if the other party appears not to be engaged. I despise being the "fool" in any situation. So for me, I'll notice the change in behavior and I will mentally make plans to prepare myself for change. I believe this has saved me from acting a fool in some relationships. I detach myself and then compartmentalize by giving the other person the "benefit of the doubt" that maybe I wasn't the one for him. I've often wanted my partner in the past to work just as hard for me as I put in the relationship. And when I'm done, I'm done. Alot of my exes don't understand that. They think b/c they've had me once they'll have me again...Sadly mistaken. I have too much pride. However that pride has kept me from making stupid mistakes...yet as I look back, it's probably stopped me from living and allowing myself to "be in my feelings."

Happy...yes, happy is a destination I'd love to be for my entire life. However, I don't know if that's attainable. Now, Joy, joy would be a lifelong commitment. You can find joy in whatever you do...Happy is a state.

Would I love to have a committed, loving partner? Yes. Would I still love my freedom and space? Yes. Would I love someone to move at my pace? Yes. But I want it to be right. And judging from today's standards, that appears to be non-existent. The reason why I say that is everyone is soo fast paced. I'm guilty of it too though. When I see something I want, it becomes my main focus. I work my butt off to get where I want to be. There are alot of times that I don't get there but I get somewhere else....I've learned to thank God b/c it's clearly where I need to be.

But the more and more I think about it, if I was in a relationship, would I be ready for that commitment? I don't even know....I'd have to compromise. I'd have to commit to someone else besides my son and myself. I'd have to make life changes to include someone else. Is it as easy as some make it seem? But you know what I hate? Having something that appears real on the outside yet is fake on the inside. I've been told that I'm too honest. But I hate the games. I hate the "dating dance" where you meet each others' representative and then two step into the real person you are when feelings have already been established.

But are the people who appear happy on the outside but crying on the inside any closer to this special state of Happy? Think about it....they may. They have the partner/job/life and they are "faking it until they make it." What about us that can't find or don't have what we want and constantly roam in search of it?

So why is it hard to be "happy" when you fear the let down? Why doesn't our brain tell us that it'll be ok? Why don't we realize that the "hurt" is just as temporary as the "happy"? Whew....maybe if we realized that the "hurt" was just as temporary as the "happy" we'd hope more or focus on having a joyful life....Maybe....