Once again, my son has taught me a very important lesson of myself. I review his behavior report for the week and I see that he's been talking excessively. Talking so much that he's going to get moved.
I ask "Dash, what was so important that you've had to talk ALL week? Bc on Friday, you were talking alot."
He replies (rather quickly), "It wasn't me. The other kids were talking to me."
Pause...Does this child really think I'm a fool? Count to 5..."Dash, how do YOU get moved bc someone is talking to YOU?"
Dash replies, "I don't know but I do know that they were talking to me and I told them to be quiet."
What I've found out about myself is that I despise when someone consistently plays the victim card. I despise it so much so that I won't allow myself to be vulnerable. Although that could be a good thing, it's more of a bad thing.
It's extremely hard for me to be in a relationship b/c I won't allow myself to ever relax and be vulnerable. I'm on guard at all times. I'm always preparing for "what MAY happen" or what do in case the worst possible thing happens. Not healthy.
Another thing of mine is I'm a giver. You think that's a good thing you say? Yes, I agree...until you are so focused on others so that you don't have to focus on yourself. I consistently inconvenience myself to convenience others. I often feel guilty if I'm not doing something for someone. I've missed out on some extraordinary things b/c of my "self created obligation" to others.
Oh yes, and let's not forget that I'm the "Planner"...sounds great, huh? Yes, you know where I'm going with this. It could be a great thing IF I didn't plan everything down to the last detail. Who besides me has their entire life planned out? LOL and I would actually get pissed if it didn't go the way I planned it....FYI, it never has.
Here recently, I've had to take a long, hard look at myself. I recently asked a question on FB "I wonder how others really view me?" Thank God for good friends who confirmed alot of what I was feeling. Thank God for good friends that straight up told me "T, you don't have to be perfect, we'll love you no matter what. You need to loosen up, act out more on faith than worry. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. I've noticed you're your hardest critic. You are the only one in your way. You need to change your reality."
So for the past few weeks, God has allowed those who I love and respect to come to me in love and have these discussions. It wasn't too hard to take it in b/c I'd already been dealing with these thoughts....take that back....it was hard! LOL. I like to have my ish "together" and to find out that while I thought I was, it was clearly apparent to all who loved me, I didn't.
I don't think I'm a bad person nor do they. But I am a person...one who has room for improvement. So for the past few weeks, I've been trying to change my reality or my view on life. I've had to tell myself that I deserve all the good things that I tell others they deserve. I've given myself permission not to beat myself up when I make a mistake. I've given myself permission not to be perfect. I'm still working on the being vulnerable part. I'm very analytical, truthfully, I over analyze. So I've been trying not to over-analyze everything. I know that this one will probably take a little bit longer. The other thing I've realized is that even if I get some of these things down, there may be a time that I miss the mark. I believe that with time, I'll be able to shed these issues and move on. I know it won't be easy but it's worth it.
But it's not just worth it to me. It's worth it to my son. He needs to see that we have to own who we are yet not make excuses and work towards truly being better. I'd like for him to see me in a successful relationship. I'd like him to see me not worry and over-analyze everything. I'd like for him to see that I am a giving person but I know how to give to myself and take care of me. I want him to see me living life and not planning for emergencies that probably won't happen.
But most of all, I want me to see me do all of this. I want to know that I am as awesome as my friends think I am. Plus, I want that special someone to understand that I'm not pushing him away b/c of past issues. I don't want to run from who I am yet I want to walk in better shoes. When one of my friends told me to "change my reality", it struck a nerve. I can't be like my son and blame everyone for the hurt they've caused me. I can't blame past lovers, friends and family for the disappointments that they've caused me. I can't blame not having the security or stability I crave growing up for the over zealous person I am now. I can't blame what went wrong in the past for not letting me have what's right in my present and future. I can't beat myself up over mistakes that I've made and tell myself that I don't deserve something better. I can't continue it....matter of fact, I won't do it.
So yes, it's a little scary but it's a healthy fear. It's that fear mixed with the excitement of something new. So I've made up my mind. I'm going to live a little more and plan a little bit less, I'm going to be more open to love and being vulnerable to someone else. I'm going to trust more and let my guard down. I'm going to invest in the right people b/c if I do, then I won't have to deal with my current reality that everyone will hurt and disappoint you. I've decided to change my reality. I've decided that I deserve better and to quit being the person to hold myself back. I decided that I change my reality today...thru thought, actions and deeds. No more holding onto a past that isn't going to be the definition of my future.
Peace and Blessings,
Pretty Platinum Wings......
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