29...wow you were fine. But NOW, it's FLIRTY 30!

So, I believe 29 has been a pretty good year filled with some good lessons...

Lesson 1 - Cherish the time with your kids and partner. I've learned so much from my son. It's amazing what you can learn from your kids if you look at the world from a child's eye.


Lesson 2 - I asked a guy out...not really a fan of doing that so I'll stick to what I know and that is letting a man ask me out

Lesson 3 - I walked away from somethings and people I never thought I would but I did it ;-) Know when to cut your losses. Know when to walk to make sure you don't lose...


Lesson 4 - having a close, intimate spiritual relationship with God is alot better than being religious.

Lesson 5 -  be prepared to be an adult. Meaning you need to follow up and follow thru on your commitments. Be responsible. Do the right thing even when the wrong thing feels better.


Lesson 6 - laugh...like throw your head back and laugh so loud.

Lesson 7 - smile....and show some teeth

Lesson 8 - give people their flowers while they are alive and can smell them. Why do we wait to let people know we appreciate them? Why wait to tell someone you appreciate/love them? I don't want everyone to share their sentiments of me at my funeral....tell me now while I can appreciate them....or grow & learn from them.

Lesson 9 - make time for your sisters...even if you have different interests, spend time with your sisters. There may be a time when you have a broken heart that they may be there making you feel like is normal without saying a word.

Lesson 10 make time for your friends...especially your girlfriends. These are the people that should be there for you thru thick and thin, the ones you can laugh with, cry in front of, be real/honest, be vulnerable with, shop with, watch movies with, eat dinner with, hang out with, see ya without your make up on, help you slide....ok, pull that spanxx on, tell you when your hair is a hot mess and then hand you a glass of wine...These ladies should be a part of your support group and core.

Lesson 11 - make your career a priority. Whether you are a stay at home mom, military service member, high profile businesswoman, a retail employee, or whatever you do...do your best and master your craft and industry.

Lesson 12 - change it up. Variety is the spice of life. Learn to be flexible: professionally, sexually, intimately, and with your time/commitments. Don't be so rigid. Very few things go as you plan them. Learn to adapt to what is thrown at you.

Lesson 13 -avoid debt at all costs

Lesson 14 - I've learned to make reasonable goals for the upcoming year and not be so dead set on making it happen without considering the circumstances or situation I'm in. Yes, I'd love to save 5k in one year but if I have a huge unexpected financial situation come up, I need to be able to adjust my goals. It's okay. No one is judging ;-)

Lesson 15 - Quit judging! I've realized that I don't want to be judged so I need to make sure I don't judge anyone else. You don't know what people have gone thru or are going thru as to why they make the decisions or take the actions they do. And even if you do, it's not your place to judge someone else's life or choices. Be more concerned about what's going on in your life.

Lesson 16 - Quit worrying! Focus on what you can do...then do it! Why worry over something you have no control over?

Lesson 17 - Be grateful. Show gratitude in all things. Have a spirit of thanksgiving in all situations. You don't have to be thankful FOR all situations (like, who is thankful for bad things happening to them?) but keep a spirit of thanksgiving.

Lesson 18 - I've learned that a positive attitude will get you a lot farther in life. Try to find the good in any situation.

Lesson 19 - You always have a choice....always. It may not be the desired choice, but you have a choice. And by not choosing to decide is making a choice.

Lesson 20 - Hug a little more. Give more kisses. Be affectionate. You may have been hurt in the past...but that doesn't mean it'll continue into your future.

Lesson 21 - Listen to your inner voice. It's God's voice guiding you.

Lesson 22 - Quit saving your best perfume/dress/outfit/shoes/china for some "perfect day"...Perfect days aren't able to be planned...they are lived.

Lesson 23 - Time waits for no man/woman so if you see something OR someone that should be yours, go for it. Make a plan and put it in motion. Don't sit back. Live life because if you don't now, you won't have the opportunity once it passes or once you pass away! Go for it!

Lesson 24 - Get in front of the camera! Take pictures but make sure you're in some of them!

Lesson 25 - Learn your body. Be comfortable in your body. Learn what looks good on your body. Buy clothes for the body you have right NOW. Don't buy something in hopes of losing/gaining weight.

Lesson 26 - Exercise daily. Make sure you take care of your body. Watch what you eat. Use lotion. Know what scents smell good on you.

Lesson 27 - Learn to get away from the commotion and just be still. Pray, meditate, have quiet time, enjoy simple things, marvel at nature, read...just get away from the commotion and feed your soul and get centered.

Lesson 28 - Love with all you have. Live with no regrets. If it's something that once made you happy and now it pisses you off, don't regret it. Just stop doing it.

Lesson 29 - Be the woman you want your son to marry or the woman you want your daughter to be.

Lesson 30 - Realize that you are not one dimensional. Realize that although you may be a mother/wife/best friend/CEO/employee/employer/sister/aunt, your always a woman. Celebrate who you are. Be in love with yourself.

Lesson 31 - Never stop learning.If you stop learning, you will become extinct. You will cease to exist and you will become obsolete.

Lesson 32 - Learn the difference between intimacy and sex.

Lesson 33 - Know that you should be able to have a stimulating intellectual conversation. Also know you're not always going to have those intellectual conversations, there will be some an "ain't shit" superficial conversations.

Lesson 34 - Learn that you are competent and smart enough to make your own decisions. You're an adult; you don't need anyone else's permission to live your life.

Lesson 35 - Do something sexy. Make a sexy face. Walk sexy. Take a sexy picture. Just do something sexy. At least once a week ;-) until you graduate to once a hour! lol

Lesson 36 - Joke. And do it daily. Don't take everything so seriously. Remember the saying: "Live, laugh, love"? That's real life!

Lesson 37 - Do something charitable for someone else. This world is not just about you nor does it revolve around you. Learn that there is more to this life than being self centered.

Lesson 38 - Take a trip. Quit waiting for the "right time." Set aside some money and go. Even if it's 2 hours away. Get away.

Lesson 39 - On your off day, spend at least 30 more minutes lounging in your bed. Enjoy that sleeping in? I knew you would. ;-)

Lesson 40 - Make time for yourself. Get your hair done. Get a pedicure (no one likes rough feet tearing up their sheets!). Get a massage.

Lesson 41 - Keep health insurance. If your job doesn't offer it, get an individual plan. Nonetheless, keep continuous health insurance.

Lesson 42 - Spend quality time with your kids. And if you don't have any, spend some quality time in a kid's life. This next generation needs us to give them guidance. If it's not your kid, find a kid to mentor. Show them what a man/woman should be like. You have no excuse. My motto is: Each one reach one to teach one.

Lesson 43 - Yes, single parents have it hard. So please, realize it DOES take a village to raise a child. And you, yes YOU, are part of a village. Even as hard as single parents have it, married couples have it hard as well. Raising kids is a challenge, whether you're married or single...so help out.

Lesson 44 - If you're going thru a hard time, give. If you're broke, give. Seems crazy huh? Nope. If you aren't giving and blessing others because you are holding on so tightly to what you have, you won't make room for God to pour out blessings into your hand because you're holding on too tight to what you have. Open your heart and bless someone. And btw, all blessings aren't financial. ;-) Give your time, knowledge, clothing, etc...I'm sure you can find something to give.

Lesson 45 - Don't compromise your integrity. Be ethical. Do the right thing. Be honest. If you find you haven't been, then immediately do the right thing.

Lesson 46 - Charity starts at home...so does success. You don't want to be a public success and a private failure. Make sure your family and house is taken care of and in order. Your first obligation is to your family.


Lesson 47 - Don't stoop to a vindictive ex's level. You're better than that.


Lesson 48 - You don't have to be an audience to everyone's show. Every comment doesn't need your reply or opinion. Learn some self control. Learn to walk away from fools.


Lesson 49 - Being proud and stubborn can be a good thing or a bad thing. We often don't know when it's a bad thing until it's too late. Be sure to check your motives on why you're doing what you're doing.

Lesson 50 - Live your life. Don't hold back. Enjoy every moment. Learn that life is about the journey and the process we go thru. Often times we're super excited when we start something and when we complete it however, the most frustrating part is the in between time. Learn to appreciate that. Grow from the process. Live each day and don't hold back!

This last year of my 20's has been a great year. I've grown in some areas of my life that I never imagined. I'm super excited about my 30's and what they will bring me. I've said it before, I do not plan on making the same mistakes in my 30's that I did in my 20's! But I'm thankful for those mistakes because I now have the experience to help me navigate thru my life.

As I'm entering my 30's, I feel a sense of confidence I've never truly felt before. I'm confident in me. I am comfortable with me. I like who I am. It's a different feeling that I've ever felt. I don't feel like a young adult or kid who needs someone's permission or validation....I'm a woman who is confident in the decisions I make. I realize that this is my life and I'm accountable for the decisions I make. And I like that...I also like this new sense of sexiness I'm feeling as I turn "FLIRTY 30!!!!"

Good bye

Good bye.
Good bye Lover.
I've realized that I'm not designed for THIS. I've realized that I was designed for greater. I've realized that the lies you've fabricated were often covered with fleeting moments of laughter, sparkly gifts and broken, never fulfilled promises of a better moment to come.

You've meant me no good. You've told me that there is nothing I can do to make you love me because the reason you love me is what you can do for me. An elaborate answer to say "I control this love."

Every ounce of love you had was conditional. And to think you were the first glimpse I had into what falling in love was like.

I see I'll have to redefine my definition you so manipulatively whispered as sweet nothings into my ear. Sweet nothings. That's exactly what I was given. When you look at the big picture, it was nothing but at the moment it was sweet. Bittersweet sweet nothings.

Good bye.
Good bye Lover.

To explain all the damage you've caused, it'd take more than this pen and paper. It'd take triple the time I spent with you. To explain all the vulnerabilities you exploited would require you to have been genuine in your declaration to love me.

You weren't. And maybe that's what hurts. Maybe that is what makes me feel numb. The entire time I worked to make myself better. I worked to be what I was looking for. I worked to be what YOU were looking for. I worked to ease your hurts and provide a nonjudgmental loft where you could be you. No questions asked. No answers required. Just honesty. Just peace and love.

Love is patient and kind. But you were not....only wanted me to do what you wanted. You were kind initially but as situations presented themselves, your anger and resentment grew.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. But you were. You boasted on what you did for me. You ridiculed me for thinking you were against me when you claimed to be the only one there for me. Your pride caused so many hurt moments and lonely nights.

It does not demand its own way. Your way was the only right way to you. Your way was the only way we could make it and yet.....here we are. Separated. Non-existent.

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. You were irritable and in your book, I had the longest record of what I did wrong.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

So everything I've been taught what "love" is, you are not. You were not. You have not. You will not. You did not. Funny, I was taught what love was but allowed you to redefine it.

I thought that I was special to you. I thought that I actually meant more than what I thought I meant to you. I believed you. I guess this was one of those times I take the loss.

Goodbye.
Goodbye Lover.

When does this stop?

So when does THIS stop? When?

At what point do you understand what I'm saying?

I feel that I've done the right thing....yet you continue to find another way to hurt me. Say something mean. Do something to be a jerk.

The biggest problem you have is that you now see my actions match my words. I don't wish you any harm. I just want to go on with my life. I don't care who's right or wrong. Choices were made and I did what I needed to do to survive.

But....why is that wrong? How is that any different than what you do...or have been doing? Is it unfair b/c I realize that since you aren't the one for me, I should leave and be available for that one?

Or would you like me to remain on this rollercoaster ride? Pretending I'm having a blast? Screaming....not from pure joy but pure terror.

When does it stop?

I've avoided hurting you as much as possible...yet, I'm punished for walking away. I'm thought of to be the worst person in the world. You find a reason to wedge yourself in my life.

But this time, I won't apologize for my decision. I left b/c I had to lose myself to love you and now I have to lose you to love myself. Your definition of love is dysfunction and a vicious cycle of super highs and super lows.

No matter what you think or say about me, you're upset that I left. I understand that. But if you won't give me what I want, why should I continue to stay so you can have your cake and eat it too?

I'm more than a person to be used at your disposal. I'm more than some woman that you've molded to love you, treat you, talk to you the way you want. I'm more than what you've given me credit for. I'm this great person when you're happy with me and then I'm this negative, pessimistic person when you're pissed at me....so what is it?

Never mind, don't bother answering...b/c I've discovered who I am.

I don't need you to validate me. I don't need you to encourage me. I don't need to listen to you for direction.

I've found what I needed within me. Thank you for the good times and memories. Thank you for the bad times b/c they have shown me that it's not what I want in my life.

I don't deserve what you did....but I needed it to see who you really are. I see who you really are. And that is what I'm going to believe. Because you have consistently been inconsistent.

So with all that being said....let me live my life in peace. If you aren't adding value to my life, please keep yourself from me. I stay in my lane, why can't you stay in yours?

I never thought you'd ever do what you did...never thought you'd turn out to be this monster....I never thought....and that probably broke my heart more than anything else....

Today is the day I decided to get off the "Roller Coaster"

What is the name of your roller coaster? by Tanya Martin

A good friend of mine, Robin May wrote this and it blessed me tremendously, so I wanted to share it with you all. You can also read her other posts at   http://virtuespeaks.wordpress.com/author/virtuespeaks/

Many years ago while at Six Flags I realized something.  I was getting off of one of the roller coasters and I realized that being on roller coasters was no longer fun for me. 

I know.  It sounds odd. 

But I literally stepped off of some ride at Six Flags and I realized that the ride wasn’t fun to me anymore.  The sliding from side to side, the jerking from front to back, the feeling of losing control…all of the things that I had just experienced on that ride was not what I called a good time. And I haven’t gotten on a roller coaster since.

During that same time in my life there was a lot going on in my romantic relationship.  Lee and I had been dating for a while and it seemed that our relationship was a lot like that roller coaster ride.  We’d have unhealthy ups and downs. Not simply the normal cycle that happens in relationships, but this was way more unstable.  I would feel pulled towards him and then pushed away.  I felt like I never knew what to expect when it came to the status of our relationship.  And so around the same time that I realized that I didn’t like the roller coasters at Six Flags, I realized that the romantic roller coaster wasn’t doing it for me either. And that crazy pattern had been going on for many years and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

And so, we broke up.

Most of you know how the story went from there and even if you don’t, at the very least you know we ended up married and have been now for almost 10 years. But marriage didn’t come until we both were more emotionally healthy and mature.  Well. At least I hope we are…! Lol.

But seriously, I learned a valuable lesson during that season of my life. I learned that my life does not have to be unpredictable all the time.  Yes, life does throw us curve balls.  And yes there are times when things happen that we don’t expect.

But if you are like me, you have found yourself confused…overwhelmed…frustrated…emotionally drained and exhausted not simply because of ‘life’ but because of a particular person or situation that you have given full access to your life.

And just like I did many years ago…many of us today…right now…need to decide that we no longer enjoy the drama that comes from an emotional or psychological roller coaster.

As a matter of fact.  I want you to think of a situation right now where you find yourself going from one extreme to the next.  Your emotions are all over the place. This situation triggers feelings of uncertainty consistently.  One week you are happy and the next week you are sad.  One day you are secure and the next day you are scared.  One minute you have clarity and the next moment you are confused.  

Now I want you to answer these questions: 

*  How do you contribute to that chaos in your life? 

*  What can you do differently to decrease the uncertainty and the instability? 

*  What part of the situation do you have the power to control? What is beyond your control?

*  What do you need to let go of in order to fully experience peace regardless if your situation changes or not?

I don’t know what the name of your Roller Coaster is.  Maybe it’s the The Dragster. The Millennium Force. The Goliath. The Voyage or The cyclone.

Maybe your Roller Coaster is the name of your significant other, your ex, your child  or the name of your Company.

I don’t know the name of your Roller Coaster.  But I do know that it is so easy to blame a person or a situation, but the truth is no one can make you ride a roller coaster.  You choose to sit down, put on your seat buckle and go for the ride.

And if you have decided that you are no longer enjoying the ride, it’s up to you to decide what you are going to do about it.

Now. That doesn’t mean you have to get rid of that person, that job or that situation all together.  But what it does mean is that only you can determine what your experience is within that situation.  And if you don’t like what you have been experiencing, decide what you need to do to have a different one.

And can I be honest?  If any of this applies to you, you are not alone.  I have a couple of “Roller Coasters” in my life right now.  And I am committing be quiet enough to decide what I need to do differently to have the experience that I believe I am supposed to have in my particular situations. 

 Will you join me?  Will you take some time to see what you need to do differently? I think it’ll be well worth your time. And once we have our answers…I’ll meet you at Six Flags.

But I’m still not riding any of the Roller Coasters.

 ^“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” – James 1:5-9

Feeling tired? Overwhelmed? Over-stimulated? Confused? Keep reading...

I'm at a place where I feel tired, overwhelmed, over-stimulated and definitely confused. I decided a little while ago that I would finally put all my trust in God. Gasp....LOL, I've been saved for a while but I've been a control freak longer than I've been saved (insert smile). So I was one of those folks who gave God my laundry list at 11:45 pm and expected it done by 5:45 am the next day. I squeeze as much as Earthly possible in one day and at the end of the day/late very late night, I crash. I don't know how I've operated like this for so long but I've made it 29 years. I was considered the one who did things right, the one who was going somewhere, the one everyone was proud of. To push myself, I felt I "owed" it to everyone to not let them down. My mom jokingly referred me to as "Ms Perfect." If 5 friends were having 5 functions in one night, I was there. If I had to work 11 hours and then go to my son's school, I was there. If I needed to volunteer with something, did that. Whatever needed to be done, I did. Plain and simple. Kinda like your "go to" person. We need it done, need it done right and with a smile...hand it to Tiara.

Until recently............I feel like a juggler who's trying to juggle 6 things and you see them in the air. Then you see the look of panic on the juggler's face and now.....wait for it, wait for it.....here it comes crashing down.

I don't feel appreciated. I feel that if I'm not calling my friends or reaching out to them to make an effort, my phone doesn't ring. Before, I've chalked it up to "they're busy and they have a life." But the same could be said about me.

However, a recent incident with a few of my friends had me crying uncontrollably. I'm a giver...to a fault. You want something, I'll give it to you. And I know what it feels like to be alone. So if any of my friends need me, I'm there. I'd give anything for them to be happy. Don't ask me to change...b/c it probably won't happen. So, situation happens. I'm sitting here crying. Did I mention that I'm not the most emotional person. Like, I won't really hug you until I know and trust you? Side note - Trying to do better on that. So, as all this is going on, I have a friend that turns to me and asks what's going on. He said that he could understand me being upset but crying this uncontrollably is out of character for me and something has to be the root of it. I sat there and I realized that I felt so unappreciated..... personally, professionally, intimately. I felt like the atm...everyone is withdrawing but no one was making any deposits.

With all this being said (and yes, I took the long way), it's time that I start being my own motivator and encourager. It's time that I give up the control freak hat and rely on God. I have so many things in the making right now and I'm confused. I'm walking into a new season, one I've never been before. I want to make the right decision. I want the right path. I'm tired. Tired of doing it on my own. And I'd like peace.

I've said that I need God to physically speak to me! LOL, b/c this voice that everyone speaks of....yea, I don't really hear that soft whisper. Maybe b/c I'm talking. Maybe b/c I'm doing something I shouldn't. Either way, I don't hear it. So today I kept feeling anxious. Felt like I needed peace. I was going to go straight to bed b/c I just feel tired....drained. But I decided to get in the shower, hoping it'd clear my mind. I'm in there for a couple of mins and then Psalms 23 comes to mind. I'm like "weird..." but then I start saying "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." Whoa....maybe I can hear God.

Everything I'm dealing with is answered in the 23rd Psalm. I no longer have to worry about it. My needs will be met to where I don't want anymore. He's going to take care of me. He's going to allow me to have rest and restore my soul. I literally could have jumped up for joy.

I don't know what faith/religion you are. But this I do know, in this crazy, crazy world, we need that spiritual balance. We need to have faith and hope and believe in something bigger than us, our problems, and issues. If you're going thru something, I dare you to read Psalms 23. It's not long. I actually read about 5 different versions. I hope that it all works out for you. I hope that you find that peace that you're looking for. And if you're feeling kinda how I was feeling, please have faith and know it gets better. It may not start until next week, but if you've hit rock bottom, the only direction to go is up. Here are some different versions...I hope it helps :-)

Psalms 23 (New Living Translation)
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever.


Psalms 23 (The Message version):
1 God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.2 You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from.3 True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.
4 Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure.
5 You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.
6 Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.

Psalms 23 (New Kings James version):

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Psalms 23 (Good News Translation)
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.2 He lets me rest in fields of green grass
and leads me to quiet pools of fresh water.3 He gives me new strength.
He guides me in the right paths,
as he has promised.4 Even if I go through the deepest darkness,
I will not be afraid, LORD,
for you are with me.
Your shepherd's rod and staff protect me.5 You prepare a banquet for me,
where all my enemies can see me;
you welcome me as an honored guest
and fill my cup to the brim.6 I know that your goodness and love will be with me all my life;
and your house will be my home as long as I live.

Psalms 23 (Amplified version)
1  THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack.2  He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters. 3  He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but] for His name’s sake.4  Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.5  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.6  Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place.

How to be successful at work

Reading Gen 24 and a simple thought hit me: When Abraham called to his servant, the man in charge, and had him take an oath to find his son Isaac a wife, the servant didn’t feel entitled. Abraham put more responsibility on this man in charge of his household who was also his oldest servant. He called the servant in and gave him specific instructions on how he wanted the task of finding Isaac’s wife. He made him promise that he’d get the job done. Other than the servant asking a couple of questions, the servant didn’t complain about the job. The servant did what Abraham told him, put his hand under the thigh of his master and swore to follow Abraham’s “INSTRUCTIONS” (Gen 24:9 NLT).

A lot of times our employers may give us tasks that we don’t understand why we have to do them. We don’t understand why there is a particular way to processing the task. So what do we do? We fight, we grumble, we speak negatively about it, we began searching for another job. Abraham’s servant didn’t do any of these things. He listened to the instructions AND then asked a question. He actually proposed another possible solution and when Abraham said no to it, the servant didn’t get bent out of shape. Hmmmm, interesting thought time. The servant took the rejection of his idea and knew it wasn’t rejection of HIM as a person.

As I allow my spiritual mind to wander, I bet that the servant still felt a sense of pride, value or worth. Isaac was the son that Abraham and Sarah prayed for. The son that they waited YEARS after YEARS for as Abraham was 100 years old when his son was born. So, Isaac was a precious gift. I’d like to imagine that Isaac and Sarah’s faces would light up when Isaac would come into the room. That NOTHING was too good for their son. That the joy he brought them was unexplainable. So this servant knew this was a HUGE task that his master was asking him. The servant also knew when to ask a question and other options as a solution and then when to keep quiet and accept the assignment. Wow, accept the assignment? An assignment with specific instructions? Could we do this? I mean, we all like to add our own spin on things. You can tell me what you want and then let me figure out how to do it. The other interesting thing is that servant was the MOST tenured servant and he still didn’t feel that sense of entitlement; he did what he was told and followed instructions.

The next step was when Abraham’s servant went on the journey to find Isaac’s wife, he PRAYED for success. In Gen 24:12 it says “O LORD, God of my master, Abraham,” he prayed. “Please give me success today, and show unfailing love to my master, Abraham.

The servant prayed for success in his job. He knew that if left to his own, he may not be able to fulfill the requirements of the job. But he took the time BEFORE starting the task to PRAY to God for SUCCESS.  Not complain. Not talk bad about the employer BUT to pray for success.

How many of us pray for success each day before our day starts at work? Do we take that time to say “Lord please give me success today and show unfailing love.”? Or do we pray “Lord, please don’t let anybody at this job work my nerves today.”? Do we pray for the promotion BEFORE we’ve done the work? Or do we realize that with every promotion comes an increase in duties?

The third step that the servant took was to pray for a specific sign. In Gen 24:14 he says: This is my request. I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’—let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.”

The servant had good intentions as his reason for this specific sign was to know that if this sign was met, it would mean that God has shown unfailing love to his master. He didn’t pray for the demise of his master. He prayed that God would send a woman who was giving. I’d like to say, it appears that he took the task personal and prayed as if he was searching for his OWN son. Because we all know, nobody prays for your own (be that kids, spouse, jobs, etc) as greatly as you do.

The other thing I liked about this chapter was that in v16 it mentions that Rebekah was very beautiful and old enough to be married but she was still a virgin. I like this because it’s a reminder that even though the solution to your job assignment isn’t what you pictured, it doesn’t mean that it’s not what God has designed to be the solution for you. Also, on a personal note, even though that man/woman of your dreams doesn’t fit all of YOUR requirements on your checklist, he/she does on God’s.

Next it says that servant watched her in silence, wondering if God had given him success in his mission (v21, NLT). How many of us have watched, SILENTLY, to see if we’ve had success at work. This speaks to my heart because the servant had a task where he obviously hadn’t done this before, so he didn’t quite know what success looked like. And instead of him looking at other servants and defining it, he watched silently, wondering if this is what God has given him. He allowed God to define what “SUCCESS” was. He didn’t look around at the other graduating members of his college to define it. He didn’t allow mainstream to define it. He didn’t even rely on his own definition.

The other thing about this verse (V21, NLT) that stuck to me was the part that says “wondering whether or not the LORD had GIVEN him success in his mission.” Interesting. Why would God give him success? Isn’t success something that you should have to earn? Not if it’s something that you’ve prayed to God for. And especially not if you’ve prayed AND done your part. If you’ve recognized that some things are out of your control and you’ve prayed to God and asked for success, God will give you that. You’ve done all that you needed to do on this journey. God is asking us to surrender our need for control and oru need to define everything so it fits our life. He’s calling and asking us to give it ALL to him. Once we do that, God will give us the desires of our heart – success, love, happiness, peace, joy, etc.

The story goes on to say that the servant found out that Rebekah’s family was Abraham’s family and in verse 27, he praises the Lord. He took the time to thank God right then and there for giving him the success he prayed for. A lot of us miss this praise part. We’ve prayed for a job and when we get it, we’re upset about the way a policy is written so we complain to God about the blessing he gave us that we prayed so hard for.

Then the servant meets with Rebekah’s family and explains his reason for his journey. Rebekah’s family offers him a place to stay and food. And he tells them “I don’t want to eat until I have told you why I have come” (v33 NLT). He then shares his testimony with them. And at the end, he gives Rebekah and her family a choice. He asks “will you or won’t you show unfailing love and faithfulness to my master? Please tell me yes or no, and I’ll know what to do next” (v49, NLT). He didn’t assume, he allowed them to make the choice. Once they told him yes, he praised God again.

A lot of good lessons in this story that apply today. If we are to be good employees, we must learn to accept the mission without complaints or hesitation. We have to pray each day that God will give us success at work that day. Then we have to pray and be specific with God on what goals we need to see come to life or what signs we need to see that we’re on the right path. We need to pray over our jobs and treat it as if it were our own company. We also need to be open…God’s solution may not LOOK like ours, but it will still be the best solution. Then we need to be silent to know that God has given us success. To enjoy the success we’ve been given. Then once God has shown us what success is and that He’s given it to us, we need to PRAISE HIM and give a testimony.

Some random thoughts of a Single Parent

Overwhelmed....

I'm completely stretched to capacity and realizing that this feeling I feel is one of being overwhelmed. When did this happen? I've always been high energy and the type of person who needs a few hours of sleep. But now I sit here and realize that time is slipping away. I realize that I'm tired. I'm drained.

Am I managing my time or allowing time to manage me?

I feel like once I get off work, I'm on the go. I have to take my son to practice, come back home, check homework, listen to him read and then somewhere along there find a way to cook dinner AND clean a house while making sure he gets in the tub, has picked out his clothes, brushed his teeth, say his prayers and actually gets his narrow behind in that bed. I look up and guess what time it is? 10:00 pm.

It's funny to me b/c when people describe me, they say I'm strong. I want to yell "NOOOOOOOOO, I'm just as weak as the next person. I don't want to be strong. There is no rest for the strong. I just want a break." 

Sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I'm sick and tired of trying to save everything. I just want to cuddle up and be held. Just be appreciated for Tiara. Not mom, not friend, not employee, not cousin, not sister. Just me. And as I sit here and type this blog, I've realized that I forgot to call my cousin who wanted to talk to me. *Long sigh*

I was talking to a friend today...and we realized that we needed to work out and get back in shape. Well as we're trying to work out a schedule, I'm like "well, I can't do that time. Nope can't do that time. Well, can't do that time. No, that one won't work either." I want the workouts because I want to get my body back to where I feel it should be. But if I have to cut something to work out, say cooking dinner, that means I have to buy something to eat. And what that means, is increased calories and decreased funds in a checking account. Which if I'm working out to lose weight, then why am I eating out when I know that the typical restaurant carries more calories than Duggars have children....

I've always said the thing I've missed about being married was companionship and the "tag team" parenting. If your spouse sees you need a break, they come take the kids and give you a break. You don't just need a break on the weekends, you need that break on Tues evening at 7:14 after a super long day at work.

I don't feel like I ever have enough time. When I look up, the year is almost over.

Sometimes, it's super hard being a single parent. This little person needs you to provide everything. And what if, what if, you just don't make the right decisions? What if you need a break, take it and that's the ONE time your child needs you? And funny, as I'm writing this, listening to Pandora, Tupac's "Dear Mama" comes on.......*big smile*

It's hard to raise a little boy as a woman. And I don't have the same situation that most women have. My ex husband is stationed in the service and if he could be here to spend more time with his son, he would be. So I don't blame him but I do wonder how I can do this? How can I show this young boy how to be a man while his dad is gone to fight a war? How do I relate to this little boy? How do I talk to him about "manly" things that I obviously have no clue about? More so than TALK, how can I show him? How do I instill in him that a man is a provider and protector? How do I make him believe that he's to be courageous and take risks while maintaining balance to be able to be loving to those around him?

Alot of you have no idea. I don't have a partner to turn to and be like "Am I making the wrong decision? Am being typical me and over-analyzing this situation?" "Can I take this job that may cause me to work later hours but secure more money for our family? Who will watch him and care for him while I'm at work?" "Can I go back to get my master's? Will I miss something important to him? And is my master's really worth time with my son?" The main question is "Is _____________________ worth me losing time with my son?"

But I get up everyday to do the best I can do. I get up and pray to God that He'll direct my path with my son. All I can do is pray that God be that stand in father while my son's father is out of the country serving in our military. Just ask God to comfort my son in the times that he feels he's not a priority and tell him that he is the ONLY person that matters and I'd give my life to give him a better life. (And yes, I'm sitting here crying.) Just let God tell him that I did as best as I could. And tell him I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with his father and I, but we gave him two homes that could love him and showed him that we could still be friends and civil and coparent together to make sure he's a great person. Tell him that I'm sorry that he wants his mama to be married and have more kids, that I'm sorry I haven't found "The One" to give him that family. Tell him that our family is just as good as those books that show the mom and dad in the same house. Tell him that the love that I have for him is enough and that I'm his biggest cheerleader.

I guess as a single parent, at some point you have to have enough sense to let go and let God. Look at God and just bring it to him and tell him that you've done what He's asked and that He protect this child, His child. At some point, you have to stop worrying. None of us grew up in the perfect home. And yet, we still have productive, good people in this world. And that, along with God's promises gives me hope.

Tired

So here I am. Wondering. Waiting. Growing. Stagnant. Bored. Desiring more but falling short. I'm tired.

I'm a planner and guess what? This isn't what I planned. How did I fall short of all the expectations I gave myself?

I'm tired. Not sleepy tired but just "you take the wheel and run the show b/c I wanna tap out." I want to sit out and say "I'm done." What is the point of trying and trying yet never moving forward the way you imagined?

I hold myself to these standards and expectations. I put goals in my life and then I see life go in the opposite direction. WHAT is the point? How about I live a miniscule life?

Or better yet, why do I do the fair and right thing? Why? Who else is doing it? Who else is doing it and being prosperous? If life isn't fair, why do I have to be?

All these and fifty million more questions flow thru my mind. I'm just at that point. That point where I can encourage myself to move on or I can just sit here. Who motivates the motivator? Who encourages the one who brings encouragement? I feel tired. I feel empty and I feel like no matter what I do, I won't get where I want to be.

As the tears start to flow, I can't stop typing so for this very moment I'll use this blog as my journal.

My son and I ate dinner today and I looked across and saw a happy couple with teenage kids. And I immediately felt sad. Where is my partner in life? I admit, I wasn't planning that I'd never have that. I have just thought if I do the right things and be myself that someone will appreciate it. I always say "I'm difficult, I'm complicated and I over analyze but I'm loveable." Maybe I'm not. Maybe as desired as I was, maybe I'm not the desired one anyone. Could be. I work with what I'm given. But how do you work with it if there isn't the selection? The first time I wanted to cry is when I saw that couple and that moment flashed before my eyes that said "you won't ever have that with anyone." Whew. That's scary. But then again, it's a reality. I'm the "homegirl" and I'm perfectly fine with that role...most of the time. I don't want a man that'll sleep with any and everyone and do foul things and then come home to me. I want someone genuine and real and loving and faithful. But then I'm told my expectations are too high. I don't know on this one and quite frankly, I'm tired of even discussing it. I make the effort as best I can but maybe I'm not there b/c of my past. I'll work on it but why is that no one can see my potential when I always see the potential in others?

And then there is the job.....Damn, I wanted a career. I did what was right. I went to college. Started working for a name brand company. Ethical decisions. I did what was right. Tried to move around to make myself marketable. Now I'm at another name brand company. And it looks even more dismal. LOL. I've always been known to make the most logical and responsible and sound decisions. However, this job situation is looking like a reckless prostitute who will sell anything just to get ahead. I'm not at that level but aren't we all? Don't we hold back our opinions just to avoid being labeled as the "trouble-maker" or "complainer"? I thought I'd be a CEO or director by this time in my life. I thought I'd have a career. I have a job and thank God it's more than some have.

Intimacy. That's what I don't have. And I miss it more than ever. I had it once upon a time with someone. Funny, b/c I miss it but I don't miss the situation. I miss who I thought he was b/c that's exactly what I wanted in life. I miss being able to share and confide in someone and have them speak great things and encourage me. I miss being able to have that feeling of "you get me. you really really get me and understand me." I get that I'm different but it's hard. I want to feel close to someone. I want to feel like if no one else in this whole wide world doesn't get me, you get me. I want that feeling that Alicia Keys talks about "nothin in this whole wide world don't mean a thing if I ain't got ya" When does that come? When will I feel like I matter to someone and I'm a priority to them?

When will I excel in my professional life? When will I have that person that thinks I'm great?

Or is it not what I'm called to have?

You're being Called....

I wrote this blog on 01.05.11 however, I need this reminder RIGHT now...right where I am in my life and in my career. I have decisions I need to make, choices I need to consider while still being patient so I can hear from God.....Here's my reminder of what I need to do. Hope it helps you out.

 The Call of Abram

You were made for more than this. How many times have you heard this phrase? How many times have you told yourself this phrase or told someone else this?

Genesis 12: 1-3 (NLT)

1  The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. 3 I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you.”

The Lord is calling you to do some magnificent things. When you've been called to do those things, it's lonely. This verse right here summarizes it. "Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you." You were called to leave and to go where God is showing you. It may not be a different physical location. He may be asking you to leave your family in a sense where everyone has traditionally chosen a similar path. Also notice that he doesn't say "go to _____." He says "go to the land that I WILL show you." God is paving the way for you. If you are still and obedient yet swift to follow his directions, He's going to give you your calling.

If you are in a position where you feel you are “made for more than this” you are exactly right, you are. God is calling you to go to the land that HE WILL SHOW YOU, not the path you have designed and desired in your mind.

When doing the work you’ve been called to do, keep these things in mind:

1.      It’s lonely. God told Abram, leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family. Imagine the loneliness. You will be around people who are you not familiar with. Family brings a sense of closeness and comfort. They are usually people who have made you feel loved and wanted. They are usually the people who have molded you into the person you are today. Family relations are very vital to shaping our beliefs and the core person we are. So to leave that familiar place is going to be very lonely. It’ll be lonely in the sense that we won’t physically have them if we are called to move to a different geographic location. But it will also be lonely if God touches our heart to leave our family in a “tradition” sense. Oftentimes we have set traditions/rituals as a family. God may be telling you to leave that tradition and cling to his that he will provide you. It’ll also be lonely if you’ve always wanted to “follow in your father’s footsteps” or if your family is known for success in a particular area or profession. So in addition to being lonely physically, there is also the chance where socially you’ll feel alone.

2.      Leaving your comfort zone. When God called Abram to leave, it not only was going to be lonely but he was going to leave his comfort zone. If you’ve had your entire life mapped out, imagine stepping out on faith. It’s something that seems unfamiliar. It’s not comfortable to you. However in order for God to work and do great things, we must step out of what’s comfortable to us to follow his lead. Since God knows all, he will prepare us for things that our natural mind can’t even comprehend. Well to do so, we have to be willing to leave what we feel is natural or comfortable. A good way to think of this is it’s often uncomfortable when we grow, even physically. Imagine keeping a 5 year old in an infant carseat. When the child is an infant, the child fits comfortably in the carseat. But as that child grows, their childseat should grow to a booster seat. Think of the carseat as your environment or surroundings. You are not in the same carseat as you continue to grow. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be to be 5 years old sitting in an infant seat.

3.      Exercise faith. We will have to step out in faith to do what God is telling us to do. If we know everything, then how are we allowing God to show us? Exercise your faith when your family, friends, coworkers or just people in general tell you that “it sounds crazy.” If God has directed you, let it “sound crazy” to them. No one but God has 20/20 vision of what your life and future will hold. He has promised to make you a great nation but there are some things you will have to do to receive it.

4.      There will be requirements. God is going to require you to do certain things to receive his blessings. If you remain steadfast and prayerful and obedient to what he ask, you will be rewarded.

5.      Be patient. God is not going to work on your timeline. As much as you desire it, it’s not going to happen. God has a bird’s eye of the entire process. You are working in one part. So you may feel like it’s taking forever and a day however if you remain patient, then God will bring it all together so that it’ll work out how he said.

6.      You are NOT in control. Things are not as though they appear. God tells us that he’s going to bless those who bless us and curse those who curse us. What he also does is uses our “tests” to become the foundation for our testimony. It is not for you to avenge who has tried to sabotage you. It is your job to walk away and allow God to deal with them. Notice he didn’t say “I’m going to let you defeat those who curse you.” Allow God to do what he needs to do to position you where you need to be. In addition, if your mind is consumed with paying back the person who cursed you, then you’ve lost focus on what you’ve been called to do. You need to remain focused.

7.      Remain focused. Let the main thing be the main thing. God is using you for his good to direct you to your calling. Don’t be distracted by the little things. Your attention and focus will be beneficial so that you can truly enjoy where God takes you.

God wants to bless you. Jeremiah 29:11 states “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)” God has already planned out your future. He wants to bless you, give you a great future, give you hope and bless you to be great. If we fail, it’s not because God’s plan was a failure. I’m sure the flawed area is somewhere where we didn’t do our part. Most of the time when we didn’t do our part, we were busy trying to do God’s part. In every part we have been designed to play, we have to do what we’re called to do. Once we master that, God’s promises of greatness and a hopeful future will manifest.

Prayer: Lord, I know that I’m anxious for my greatness you’ve called me to do. Please forgive me and speak to my heart to remind me that I have to do what I’ve been told to do and remember you are God. I realize I need to position myself where you ask and I just ask that you give me the strength to endure what I have to be where you want me to be. Please forgive me for any sins that I’ve committed. Thank you for the chance to do your will and thank you for the blessings you’ve given. Amen.